Fighting To Believe
by tonikm
Summary: Story 2 of series. Olivia faces Lewis again, this time in the courtroom, with the support of Brian and the squad. Has she recovered enough to face him? Can her friends help her? Will her relationship with Brian strengthen or crumble? Story focuses much more on Olivia's journey than the case. My own take but original story and characters belong to Dick Wolf etc.
1. Shattering Glass

He stood at the door and watched her. She was standing with her co-workers having a laugh before they started their day. He told himself that they were probably joking about Munch's coffee or one of his conspiracy theories. Just then she threw her head back with laughter. How could he walk in there and shatter her world yet again? She had fought her way back and to the outsider she looked normal, as if it never happened. But now he was about to throw it all back in her face. She may look normal but he knew better. He knew her demons were just under the surface.

'Barba, if you stand there any longer you get cramps.' Nick commented.

'How did you know I was standing here?'

'You seriously asking a room full of detectives how we knew you were there?'

'Yeah, yeah. You have a point.'

'Are you here to talk to me about the Philip Martins' case? I'm ready to testify tomorrow don't worry.' Olivia said.

'I know you are Liv, but that's not why I'm here.'

'Oh, you here for some of Munch's coffee?' Fin replied.

'Hey! Why is my coffee always a joke around here?'

'Because it's so _good_ , partner.'

'No, thanks. I've had my fill for the morning. Liv, can we talk?' Barba said as he looked around.

'Yeah sure. I'm sure one of the interrogation rooms is open.' Olivia said when she saw that he wanted to talk to her in private.

She closed the door behind her.

'What's up?'

'Liv, I'm sorry but it's about Lewis.' Trying to easy her into the conversation.

Immediately Olivia's arms went around her waist. An unconscious attempt to protect herself.

'Ok.' She breathed.

'Liv, the trial date has been set for next Wednesday.' He decided to break the news in small pieces.

'Ok. Um. Will you be finished the Martins' case by then?'

'Yes, Liv. That trial will be done by Friday.'

'Will you have enough time to prepare?'

Barba took a step closer but as he did Olivia took one back. It was clear that right now she wanted her space. He could understand that.

'Liv, I have being preparing for months. I'll be ready. Liv, I just need us to work together one more time.'

She nodded to indicate that she heard him. Rafael didn't know how to break the next part to her.

'Liv, there's something else.'

She looked at him knowing this couldn't be good.

'Liv, he is representing himself.'

Suddenly her chest felt heavy and her legs didn't want to support her anymore. She staggered towards a chair. Barba immediately closed the gap between them and helped guide her to sit down. His heart broke. Here was one of the strongest women he knew crippled by the news that he just gave her.

'Liv, just breathe. I'm so sorry. I did everything I could to fight this.'

'It's the law.' She whispered.

'He shouldn't be able to do this.'

'But he can.'

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Olivia found her voice again.

'Saturday.'

'What?'

'I'll come to your office on Saturday. We can talk then.' And with that she was out the door.

She walked straight past everyone in the squad room and went to the ladies' room.

Nick looked at Fin and Fin looked at Munch. No one dared saying his name….. _Lewis._


	2. Playing Mr Delivery

Olivia grabbed onto the sink, trying to keep her failing her. See looked down and saw that her knuckles were turning white. Her mind was reeling. Her thoughts were all over the place. Not only did she have to face Lewis in court, and tell her story in intimate, embarrassing detail, but now he would be questioning, arguing and trying to cast doubt on whatever she said. Olivia heard someone coming into the bathroom and quickly went into a stall. She wasn't ready to see anyone just yet. She needed a few more minutes to get her head together.

Fin sat at his desk after Olivia left to go to the bathroom. Whatever Barba had said obviously upset her a lot. So Fin sat and tried his hardest to focus on the case that was before him. He read the same line over and over but still it made no sense to him. He looked around at his colleagues and saw that everyone except Nick Amaro was working. Nick was Olivia's partner and had been for three years now. He was a good partner to Olivia and had been there for her since the attack but Fin knew that Olivia kept people at arm's length, especially her work colleagues. Fin, however, had known Olivia for fourteen years and had been through some rough times with her. Nick caught Fin's eye and saw that Nick was trying to decide whether or not to go after his partner. Olivia was such a strong and independent woman and hated people hovering over her so it was always difficult to know when to leave her and when to go after her. Fin stood up and walked up to Nick and put his hand on Nick's shoulder.

'I'll take this.' Fin said as he walked off towards the ladies bathroom.

'Liv? It's only me.' Fin said as he slipped into the woman's bathroom.

'Olivia?' He repeated when he got no response.

'I think you took a wrong turn there Fin.' Came a soft response.

'Nah. I just wanted to see what the ladies bathroom looked like.'

Silence.

'Liv, please talk to me.'

The door unlocked and Olivia walked out and stood against the wall.

'Lewis is representing himself at the trial. We both know that he is just doing it to get to me.' She slammed her hand down on the counter. 'And you know what? It's working. We haven't even started and I feel like I can't breathe.'

Fin couldn't believe what he had heard. Lewis was playing the only card he had left to torture her with.

'How about we go grab some breakfast?' Fin needed time to think about this before he commented on what Olivia had just told him.

'Really Fin. You want to take this mess into public.'

'Yeah Baby Girl. I left home without eating this morning and I could use one meal without having Munch laying some conspiracy theory on me. Do what you ladies do in here and I'll clear it with Cragen.'

'You're paying.'

'If I get to see that smile while I eat, I'll pay for sure.'

Fin walked back into the squad room and went straight to Cragen's office. He knocked and waited until he was granted access.

'You come to fill me in on whatever is going on out there?'

'How?' Fin stared at his captain of fourteen years.

'How did I know something was going on? Well let's see. Olivia storms out after a private meeting with Barba, you are apparently in the wrong bathroom, and none of my detectives are being productive.'

'Cap, I just came to tell you the Liv and I are going to grab a quick breakfast across the road.'

Captain Donald Cragen sighed deeply.

'Really Fin?'

'Cap, Olivia will come to you when she's ready. Right now she needs to get her head straight before a case comes in.'

'Okay. Take an hour.'

'Thanks Cap.' Fin said as he turned to leave.

'Fin.'

'Yeah Cap.' He said as he turned around again.

'Take care of our girl.'

'Always.' Fin gave his captain a sad smile.

Fin walked to his desk and grabbed his keys.

'Liv and I are going for breakfast. Any orders?'

Olivia and Fin stayed silent, each consumed by their own thoughts until they had ordered their breakfast. Fin had ordered a full breakfast while Olivia just ordered a muffin.

'Are you sure you don't want something more?'

'Don't feel like food right now.' She replied.

Fin looked at her for a moment and saw that he wasn't speaking to Detective Benson right now but rather a woman who had been through so much already.

'Liv, I've known you for fourteen years now so I'm not gonna give you the same crap we say to victims every day. You deserve better. Fin took a breath before continuing. 'This is happening and the way we are going to handle this is the same way we go at everything, as a team.'

'Fin, I appreciate the offer but this is my battle.'

'That's where you are so wrong. Liv, SVU is not like any other unit and you know it. We are a family and he is attacking one of us and that means he is attacking all of us.'

'Fin, that's not true. I was the one he abducted, kidnapped and assaulted.'

'Baby girl, I know that and I don't mean to minimize what happen, but what I'm trying to say is we have your back, Liv. We will be there with you all the way. You are not alone in this, ok?'

'I don't think I can have anyone with me in court when I testify.'

'Liv, if that is how you feel then we will respect that but if you think any of us will look at you _any_ different because of something that happened while you were with him you are wrong.'

Olivia looked up from where she was playing with her coffee cup and looked Fin straight in the face.

'How could you not look at me differently, Fin? I froze in my own apartment. I allowed myself to be assaulted, kidnapped, and tortured for days.'

'Liv, why didn't you fight back?'

Olivia was taken aback by the question. Had Fin been wondering this all along? Had he felt that she hadn't tried to get out of the situation? Surely he of all people didn't doubt her.

'He had a gun pointed at my head. I had no doubt he would do it if I didn't do what he said.'

'And if a vic told repeated that same sentence to you. What would you say?'

'That she had no choice. She did what she had to do to stay alive.'

'So why would I blame you for doing the exact same thing? Doing what you had to to stay alive.'

'I am a trained cop.'

'Does that make you bulletproof?'

Olivia stayed silent.

'Liv, cop or not. You were a woman, alone, with a guy who had a gun. You did what you were meant to, you survived.'

'Thought you weren't going to feed me lines we say to victims.'

'That wasn't just a line, Liv. I meant every word.'

'I just wish I could stop blaming myself for not reacting faster.'

'Time, Liv. Time.'

'Yeah.'

'Shall we order the team's stuff and then go play Mr. Delivery?'

'I guess so.'

'Liv, you will get through the trial and you know that you can ask us for anything at any time.'

'Thanks Fin.'


	3. Soldiering On

'Hey you guys are back. Thought you took our breakfast order not our lunch order.'

'Relax old man. We weren't gone that long.'

'So you say, partner. So you say.' Munch said as he took his order from Fin and started eating.

Olivia checked the messages that were on her desk and felt Nick's gaze on her. She looked up to meet it.

'You ok?'

'Fin assured me you guys have my back. So I will be.'

Nick leant back in his chair and put his arms behind his head. His expression urging her to continue.

'Lewis' trial starts next Wednesday. He is representing himself.'

Olivia heard Nick mutter something under his breath before he spoke out loud. Olivia expected Nick to say something explosive, instead he just said,

'Fin is right.'

Olivia smiled knowing that Nick was holding back for her sake and she appreciated it. She just couldn't cope with his anger right now.

She still hadn't sat down at her desk because she knew she had to speak to the Captain.

'I'll be back.'

She drew a deep breath in as she lifted her hand to knock.

'Come in.'

'Hi Cap. A word?'

'Sure. Wanna sit down?' Donald Cragen was relieved that she chose to come to him on her own without him having to call her in.

'Yeah. Thanks. Um… I'm sure you saw Barba talking to me earlier.' Don saw how in this moment she didn't look like his lead detective but rather a bit unsure of herself.

'Lewis' trial starts next Wednesday and he is representing himself.' She blurted out before she stopped herself.

Silence descended on the room and both parties stayed like that for a few minutes. Each trying to gather their thoughts.

Slowly Don got up, walked around his desk and sat on the edge just in front of Olivia.

'Ok Liv, how do you want to play this?'

Olivia looked up at his face and saw concern written all over his face. She also knew what he was doing. He was giving as much control back to the victim as was possible.

'I have the Philip Martins' case this week. I'm supposed to be testifying in court tomorrow and then I hoped I could sit in court and support Sarah.'

'Ok, well you have to testify as you were lead on the case but the rest is up to you.'

'Thanks Cap. I know. I think its best if I keep working until the case starts, I don't want to sit at home and have too much time to think.'

'Ok, so we keep you going as usual until next week.'

'Yeah, I think that what I want. I'd like to be there for Sarah this week.'

'Doing what you do best, Liv.' He said with a smile.

'Thanks Cap.'

'Go and review your case notes and get ready to kick some ass Benson.'

'Yes Sir.' Olivia did a mock salute as she left Cragen's office.

Olivia went to retrieve the case file and returned to her desk to review the case. She didn't really need to read the whole file. She remembered the case well but she didn't want to forget any detail.

Nick was amazed as he saw his partner sit down to work. She had her own mountain which lay ahead of her and yet here she was trying to remove mountains for others.

Olivia reached for her phone as she read through the file. Once she had it in her hand she focused on typing a message.

'Hey, how's your day? I need to talk to you sometime today.'

About a minute later her phone alerted her to a message and she stopped to read it.

'Hey Babe. U ok? Want to meet for lunch?'

'Yeah kinda. Are you off tonight?'

'I am. Want to rather meet then?'

'Yeah. My place? I'll make pasta.'

'Around 7?'

'Sounds good. See you then.'

'Ok, call me if you need me sooner.'

Olivia smiled. Brian had been such a wonderful boyfriend to her since the attack. He had really stepped up and been so supportive and loving. Olivia felt so grateful to have him in her life.


	4. Undercover

Olivia had made it through the day and arrived home surprisingly tired for a day in which she only did paper work. She knew it was the news that Barba had given her which was making weighing her down. She shrugged off her jacket as she entered the apartment. As she locked her door she suddenly felt uneasy. She put her hand on her gun which was still on her hip. She put her bag down on the table beside the door and then did something she hadn't done for months – she walked through her apartment with her hand gripping her gun on her hip. Once she had finished her sweep of her apartment she walked towards the sofa in the lounge and sat with her head in her hands.

'Why did you just do that?' She asked herself. 'He is in jail. He was never here. Why are you allowing him to influence you like this. Get a grip, Olivia. You cannot fall apart now. People will think you are weak. How can you tell others to face their attackers in court if you can't do it? You weren't even raped!'

Olivia stood up from where she sat and walked towards the kitchen with more purpose. She started to prepare dinner for herself and Brian. When she had sent him a message she had wanted to talk to him about what Barba had said but she had decided if he didn't bring the message up she wouldn't either. She was tired of him having to pick up the pieces of her life. She just had to suck it up. Olivia put the television on for background noise and kept herself busy. Soon a knock on her door startled her. She composed herself before walking to the door and opening it for Brian.

'Hey Babe.' Brian stepped forward to kiss her on the cheek. She allowed it even thought she suddenly felt uncomfortable.

'Hey.'

'Wow. Something smells amazing as always.'

'You just hungry.' She laughed.

'Yeah, guess so. I had a busy day at IAB.'

'A case.'

'Yeah.' He said hopping on her counter so he could face her while she worked. 'I'm glad you called. Wanted to tell you, they've offered me my first case.'

'That's great Bri!'

'Yeah. But listen it's an undercover op. I'll be gone about two weeks.'

 _No. No. No. Brian please don't go now. I need you! Don't let me face him alone. Please. I know I'm a cop and all but please don't leave now!_

'Ah that's great. You are so good at being UC.' She forced out.

'I feel this is my chance, you know. To prove to them that I can work myself back into the department's good books.'

'Good for you Bri. I know you have been waiting for awhile now.'

'I have.'

'Listen, I think the food is ready. I just want to go to the bathroom quick. Will you get the table ready for us?' She said as she walked towards her bedroom.

As soon as she was in the bedroom she closed her door and leant up against it. She didn't need the bathroom, she just needed a minute to get her emotions in check. She really wanted to support Brian, she did, he deserves the chance but why did this have to happen now? She didn't know how to face Lewis without Brian by her side.

The rest of the evening did not go as Olivia had hoped. Brian was so excited about his assignment that he forgot all about the fact the serious tone of Olivia's message earlier in the day. His bosses had given him the evening to think about the assignment but there was no doubt in Olivia's mind that Brian wanted this assignment.

After Brian left Olivia locked up and decided to have a shower and then climb into bed. That night as she got into the shower Olivia's fingers traced the scars that would never truly fade. Her tears mixed with the water that fell at her feet. Here she was again, facing the cruelty of life alone.


	5. Support

Olivia's hand hit the alarm before it went off. She hadn't had much sleep and when she had fallen asleep her dreams had been plagued with the face of William Lewis. She wished she could just take a day's leave and hide beneath the covers but she couldn't do that because she had to be in court to testify in the Philip Martin's case. She got up and began to get ready for the day ahead. On her way out she grabbed a second cup of strong coffee.

Barba was standing with the Bells and the Simmons' saw her walking down the hall of the courthouse before anyone else did. He didn't like what he saw. Olivia was walking at a slower pace that usual. Her head was low and everything in her body language told him that she had not had a good night. But what amazed him was that as soon as she saw that she was within sight of the families her posture changed and before his eyes she transformed herself into the strong Detective Benson.

Olivia saw that both families were standing around Barba discussing how the day would proceed. Olivia greeted all who were in the circle by nodding her head but she pushed past them and moved towards a small figure who was sitting on the bench. She sat down and waited for the small figure to acknowledge her presence. After about a minute a small voice emerged.

'You are here.'

'I promised I would be.'

There was a few minutes silence between the two.

'I'm scared.' Sarah eventually quietly admitted.

Olivia took a moment before she responded and before she did she knelt down beside Sarah.

'Sarah, I know how scared you are.' Olivia's voice was full of emotion as she spoke because for the first time in her career she meant those words. 'But you know he can't hurt you when you are in there. He can look at you but that is all. He can't talk to you or come anywhere near you. Someone will be with you at all time. You are safe, I promise.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes. I am sure, Sarah.'

By the time they were all called into court, Sarah was ready to face the man who had kidnapped her and murdered her best friend and that was all due to one Detective Benson.

While Brian was packing for his assignment he couldn't help but feel like he had forgotten something. He had this weird feeling that he just couldn't shake. He thought it was just nerves. He hadn't had an undercover assignment in more than a year. So as he walked out his apartment he tried to leave whatever haunting feeling behind.

After the opening statements by both lawyers Olivia and Sarah along with other witnesses left the courtroom as those who were testifying weren't allowed to hear what the witnesses before them were saying. Olivia led Sarah and her mother into a room she had frequent with other young witnesses. This room was set up with activities that children could do while they waited. She managed to entice Sarah into a game of cards while they waited. When a court officer came to call Olivia to the stand Sarah became very uneasy but Olivia assured her that she would be waiting for her when she entered the courtroom.

By the time Olivia entered the precinct on Friday morning she was ready for the weekend to start. The trial had ended yesterday, a day earlier than expected. Philip Martins had been found guilty of all charges and would be sentenced in a month's time. Although the case had gone well, it had been very draining because Sarah was so young and scared most of the time. Olivia, Barb, and Sarah's parents had to keep reassuring her that she was safe and that Philip Martins would go to jail at the end of the trial. Now that he had been found guilty, Olivia hoped that Sarah felt a bit safer. Olivia knew nothing would ever be the same again for Sarah because not only had she lost her best friend but a bit of her childhood had been stolen and that could never be replaced.

Olivia was sitting at her desk just filing the case file away when Nick walked in.

'Howdy partner.'

'Good morning, Nick. What's got you so happy this early in the morning?'

'Only eleven hours until I see my baby girl.'

'Ah, your weekend with Zara.'

'Yip, Maria is dropping her off after shift and then it's me and my girl for two whole days.'

'Nice Nick. Hope you guys have fun.'

'Thanks. What do you and Brian have planned?'

'Uh, Brian actually left for an undercover assignment on Tuesday so he'll be away for about two weeks.' Olivia tried very hard to sound casual and not let her voice betray her. She had been struggling the last few days without Brian. Lewis and the trial was never far from her thoughts and her dreams.

'Liv,' Nick said sympathetically. 'I…'

'Nick, it's fine.' Olivia interrupted. 'I have to meet Barb to go through trial prep tomorrow and I took an extra shift on Sunday to make up for the days I'm going to be off when we are busy with the trial. So I have a busy weekend.'

'We both know that's not the issue.'

'Nick, you forget I've lived most of my life alone and I'm used to it.' She said in an attempt to shut down the conversation.

Nick could see that Olivia did not want to continue the conversation and thus he let it drop but his heart dropped as well when he heard that Brian wasn't around right now. In fact, he couldn't understand how Brian could take a case right now.

He had been sitting in his office working but he couldn't help overhearing what was been said by two of his detectives. Right now he was in shock. Had he heard correctly? Was Brian undercover at such a crucial time? He had trust Brian to be there for Olivia and the guy had really stepped up but now he had chosen to take a case. It just did not make sense. Don knew he had to get to the bottom of this.

'Olivia, would you step into my office please?' Don heard himself say.

Olivia got up from her desk and entered the Captain's office.

'What's up Cap?'

'Olivia, you know I don't eavesdrop but I couldn't help hearing you and Nick talking about your weekends.'

'And so?'

'Olivia, did Brian really leave for an op?'

Olivia knew that this wasn't going to be an easy or official conversation so she waited until she was seated before she answered Cragen.

'I had every intention of telling him about the trial when we had dinner the other night. I sent him a message and we made plans for him to come around to my place so I could tell him. But when he arrived he was so hyped up. He said that they had finally given him his first IAB case. He was so excited as he knew this was his chance to get back into the department's good books. He's been waiting for this for so long, I just couldn't tell him. I knew he would say no to going away. I wanted to tell him, I really did. I don't know how I'm going to do this without him, but I just couldn't open my mouth. I could not stand in his way.' Olivia let it all roll out her mouth. Once she was finished she hung her head.

Cragen sighed. He had the information he wanted and now he had to deal with the effects of getting it. He could see by the way Olivia had just let it all out, without trying to put up a front that she was struggling without Brian.

'Oh Liv.' Cragen said. 'You always put others before yourself, don't you? Even at home.'

'Guess I can't stop it when I clock out.'

'Well, I'm glad you know if you had told Brian he wouldn't have left because I know he would of said no to the op. He wanted to be there for you during the trial.'

'I feel bad for not telling him, but he was so excited. He really wants to get back to being a detective and not some paper pusher.'

'How are you coping?' Don didn't really need to ask that question as he could see it on her face but he wanted to give her the opportunity to talk if she wanted to.

'I guess I've made my bed and now it's time to lie in it.'

Definitely not the answer he was hoping for. He knew she was blaming herself and that was not what he wanted. He also knew after a comment like that she would not divulge any more on the topic.

'Ok Liv. Get back to it.'

'Thanks Cap.' She said as she stood and walked towards the door.

'Liv.'

'Yeah.'

'My door is always open.'

'Thanks Cap. I know.'

Don sat and watched as she returned to her desk.

'Why does she always have to pretend to be so strong?!' He muttered to himself.

Right there and then he knew what he had to do and so he picked up the phone.

Olivia managed to make it through the day without really letting on how bad she was feeling, or so she had thought. Thankfully no major case had come in so she could bury herself in admin work. She had stopped at the deli on her way home and planned to find something to watch on tv. She was about to change into some comfortable clothes when the gate buzzer went. She walked towards the intercom rather confused and irritated because she wasn't expecting any visitors.

'Hello.' Olivia spoke into the speaker in the wall.

'Surprise!'

'Alex?'

'And me.'

'Casey?'

'Open up Liv. The pizzas are starting to burn a hole in my hand.' Casey answered.

'It's open.'

Within three minutes Alex and Casey were standing at her door.

'Come in girls. What the?'

'We decided it was time for a girl's night. We've got all the ingredients. Pizza, wine, and dvds.'

'And…' Both Alex and Casey took of their coats at the same time. 'Pjs!'

Olivia could help but burst out laughing at their faces.

'Um Liv. You are a bit over dressed for this party, I suggest you go and change while we set up.'

Olivia shook her head and turned towards the bedroom. There was no sense in arguing with Alex and Casey when they were in this mood. She knew when she was outnumbered.

Olivia looked at her watch and saw that it was 12:30am. The evening had flown by and they had had so much fun.

'Girls, as much fun as this has been I have to be at Barb's office at 9am tomorrow. Actually today.'

'Ok Liv. Mind if I take the spare room?' Alex stretched her neck backwards and looked at Olivia from where she lay.

'And me the couch?' Casey added.

'This was part of the plan wasn't it?'

'Oh sorry Liv. Didn't I mention earlier that we staying the weekend?' Casey smiled innocently.

Alex turned to Casey. 'Crap. Then I suppose I forgot to tell her that Amanda needs extra money and is taking her shift on Sunday.'

'Oh really?' Olivia stood with her hands on her hips and eyebrows raised.

'Yip. You can phone her later if you want to check.'

'I'll certainly do that. Good night you two trouble makers.'

'Good night Liv.' Alex and Casey said in unison.

As soon as Olivia had her bedroom door closed Alex and Casey gave each other a high five.

'Part one completed.' Alex said.

'And successfully too.' Casey replied


	6. Girls' weekend

Olivia could hear Alex and Casey rummaging around in her flat before she opened her eyes. She didn't feel like starting this day. As she lay in bed flashes of the time she endured with Lewis replayed in her mind.

' _Please Lewis. Just leave. You've done nothing yet…. I'll say I hit my head on the division in the cab.'_

Her thoughts turned to the time when they entered the beach house and she pleaded with him silently with her eyes to allow her to use the bathroom. How he refused to untie her hands… how he humiliated her with his eyes…

'Sssshhh.' Alex turned to Casey. Alex put both her hands on the counter and dropped her head as she listened. Her heart praying she had heard wrong. The next minute her ears confirmed to her that she had indeed heard what she thought she had. The sound of someone crying.

'Is…is that Liv?' Casey asked softly.

'Yeah.' Alex said with watery eyes.

'What do we do?' Casey was suddenly at a loss of what to do. The reality of what was happening and what they were facing was dawning on her.

'I'll go. You continue here.'

Alex knocked on the door and when there was no answer she slipped into the room. Olivia was lying on her side with her back to the door.

'Liv?' Alex gently kept trying to get a response as she rounded the bed to see Olivia's face.

When she rounded the bed she saw that Olivia's eyes were open and see was staring out the blinds. Tears stained her face.

Alex tried to get in her friend's line of sight before she crouched down.

'Liv. Come back to me.' She said in a soft, kind voice. Alex could see the Olivia was in the middle of a flashback. She yearned to reach out to comfort her friend but she remembered how that had ended last time so she decided to keep her distance and keep talking to her.

After a few minutes Alex found Olivia staring back at her.

'Hey there.' Alex said tenderly.

'Alex?'

'Morning.' Alex moved closer.

'How do I do this, Alex?'

'Oh Liv.' Alex got on the bed and drew Olivia into a hug. At first Olivia was rigid but slowly she melted into Alex. After a few minutes Olivia was gripping Alex's shirt tightly as she wept. All Alex could do was hold her friend, this woman who was a pillar of strength for so many.

Eventually Olivia's crying stopped and Alex gently pushed the hair out of Olivia's face.

'Liv, I can't imagine what this is like but I know how you are going to get through this.'

'How?' Olivia asked almost a pleading manner.

'By leaning on us. Your friends.'

'Morning Case.' Olivia said as she stepped out of her bedroom drying her hair.

'Morning Liv.' She replied as she handed Olivia a cup of coffee.

'Thanks.'

'Breakfast will be ready in 5.'

'Thanks Alex but I…'

'No, you will or you won't be leaving the house to meet Barb.' Alex cut Olivia off before she finished.

'I should phone Cragen. I'm being held hostage in my own place.' Olivia said smiling.

'Please phone him. Who do you think phoned us?'

'Seems like I'm cornered. Smells good Alex.'

'Liv? Olivia? Are you with me?' Barba tried to get Olivia's attention. They had met about two hours ago in the courtroom where the trial was going to be. Olivia was sitting in the witness box going over her testimony when she was caught in another flashback.

'Sorry. What?'

'You were telling the jury what happened when you got to the beach house.'

'Um, he took me…..'

'Liv, let's take a break.'

'No, I can continue. He took me to the bedroom and …'

'Liv, they need to hear every detail. Everything he said and did in those four days. Try not to brush over details. He is going to claim it was consensual, you have to show otherwise.'

'Ok.' Olivia had sat in this box many times to give evidence on a case, but never before was she so uncomfortable.

'Come on, let's go get a coffee.'

It was after 2pm when Olivia reached her apartment building. She and Barba had been busy for about four hours when they decided to call it quits for the day. Olivia felt exhausted and the trial had not even got under way. As she entered the lift she wondered where Brian was. All she felt like doing was melting into his arms right now.

As Olivia stepped into her apartment she heard Alex and Casey laugh at something on the tv.

' _Brian, you may not be here but Alex and Case are taking good care of me.'_ She thought.

'Hey guys.'

'Oh hey Liv.'

'What you watching?'

'Miss Congeniality 2.'

'They'reshowing me how not to do my job.'

'Dana?'

'Hey Liv.' Dana said as she was getting up from the floor where she'd been sitting to watch the movie.

'When did you get here?' Olivia said as she hugged Dana.

'About two hours ago. I'm in New York for a few weeks on a case and I thought I would come say hi. I hope its okay?'

'Of course. Sorry I was out. Anyone for a cup of coffee?'

'You can guys chat. I'll make the coffee.' Alex offered.

'Thanks Alex.'

About half an hour later the women turned the movie back on. Olivia tried to focus on the movie but she just couldn't. She very quietly removed herself from the lounge and went to her bedroom. She sat on her bed with all the pillows stacked behind her and took out her journal from beside her bed and started to write her latest entry. Awhile later there was a soft knock on her door and Dana poked her head into the door.

'Can I enter?'

'Hi. Yeah.'

'Aah the journal thing.'

'Caught in the act.' Olivia smiled shyly.

'I started one after my rape.'

'I struggle to see you keeping a journal.' Olivia giggled.

'Well, it was my first time and it only lasted about two months. Can I sit?'

'Yeah sure. I kept one during high school.'

'Can I ask you something?' Dana ventured.

'Sure.'

'How are you, Liv? And please don't give me the 'I'm fine' version. This is me Olivia. I've been where you are.'

'Dana, you haven't been where I am. I wasn't raped. You were.' Olivia looked down at her hands.

'Ok, true but what you went through was almost equally as bad.'

Olivia looked up at Dana.

'Ok, so he didn't actually do the act but he made you watch it and he taunted you with the possibility for four days. You want to tell me he didn't touch you at all?'

Olivia started to stare out the window.

'I was tied to the chair and every time I looked away or closed my eyes he would burn her. I have worked all these years to stop the act from happening and to have to sit and watch…'

'Olivia.' Dana said softly with all the compassion she had.

'Now when I work with a survivor and they give me their statement I can actually see it.'

'Oh Olivia.'

'He did touch… and feel me….' She choked up. 'But it was an assault, not rape.'

'Ok, but that wasn't all was it?'

Olivia stared back at Dana.

'What about the fact that he held you hostage, tortured you, starved you, forced you to swallow pills. Olivia this was so much more than just a sexual assault.'

Olivia brushed her hair out of her face and looked up at the ceiling as she tried to stop the water works from falling.

'Olivia, listen. You don't have to hide tears from me. I won't think of you any less.'

Olivia levelled her head with Dana as tears involuntarily started to fall.

'Dana, I don't know how to get through the trial. He is representing himself. My team wants to be there to support me and I appreciate it, I do.'

'But you don't want them there when you testify because you are worried how they will see you afterwards.' Dana filled in the blanks for Olivia.

'Yeah.'

'Ok so how about asking them just not to be there when you are on the stand? If you have someone you feel comfortable with maybe that person could be there for you while you are testifying.'

'I don't want to hurt them by asking them not to come.'

'Olivia, listen to me. They want to be there because they want to help and support you. Sometimes they'll need help in knowing how and when to support you.'

'I tell others that but how.'

'Olivia for once, stop seeing yourself as Detective Olivia Benson. Sometimes we need others to fulfil the roles we normally play so we can focus on ourselves. You did that for me when I needed that.'

Olivia smiled a sad smile and nodded.

'Now if the squad is not in the courtroom when your turn comes, who do you want there with you?'

Olivia lifted her head as she thought. She drew a deep breath as more tears fell.

'My boyfriend, Brian, is undercover right now so he can't. Most of the people I know are people I work with…'

'What about Alex or Casey?'

'Nah.'

'Ok.'

Olivia remained quiet.

'Olivia, I don't want to over step boundaries, but if you wanted to I could come.'

'Thanks Dana. But you are here for a case…'

'Liv, I'm supervising. I could step away for a few hours.'

Dana could see Olivia was thinking it through.

'Liv, think about it and let me know. Now, how about joining the others so we can organize supper?'

Olivia's sleeping patterns had returned to a relatively normal pattern in the months since the attack. However, with the impending trial only days away and having gone through it all with Barba that day, everything was brought to the surface. Around 2am Casey was awoken by a scream. She bolted upright and sat listening in the dark. She sighed a sad sigh as she saw Olivia's light shine from below the door. As she lay down again she heard Olivia try to sneak through to the kitchen. When Casey saw that Olivia was trying to make a cup of tea from the light coming from the slightly opened fridge door, she decided to speak up.

'Liv, I'm awake. You can put the light on.'

'So sorry Case.'

'Don't worry. We're sleeping in your place.'

'I'm almost done.'

'Take your time.'

A few minutes later Olivia tiptoed to her room. It sounded like Casey had fallen asleep again so Olivia didn't speak to Casey as she returned to her room. She put her tea beside her bed and arranged the pillows so she could sit and read while she sipped her tea. Olivia finally fell asleep again with her book on her lap about an hour after she woke up.

Casey was not asleep. In fact she was wide awake thinking about Olivia. How often did she get up during the night because of nightmares? Did she have nightmares every night? How bad were they? She guessed that they would get worse during the trial. What could they do to help her?


	7. Deal or No Deal

Hi All. Sorry for the delay. Life is a bit busy at the moment. But here are the next three chapters. I love reviews and they remind me to update…..

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Olivia walked into the precinct on Monday morning feeling everything but ready for the week ahead. Although her friends had done everything they could to support her and keep her mind off from the impending trial, it hadn't really worked. Even if they succeeded to keep her busy during the day, no one could keep her nightmares, which had returned in recent days, away. She really missed Brian who would talk to her on the phone after nightmare until she felt ready to go back to sleep.

Olivia made her way to her desk and switched on her laptop.

'Morning Liv.' Nick greeted as he made his way to his desk from the coffee machine.

'Hey.'

'You better get a cup quick. Fin made coffee.'

'Ok.'

Nick sat at his desk and tried to get back to work but he noticed how quiet Olivia was. She was definitely not her normal self, but then who would expect her to be? Nick just wished there was something he could do to help his partner. Before Nick had finished that thought, Olivia's phone started to ring.

'Benson.'

'Morning Barba.'

'Yeah ok, I'll be right there. Thanks.'

'Nick.'

'Yeah Liv.'

'Can you cover for me for an hour? Barba has something he wants to say to me in person before they start jury selection.'

'Yeah sure. Any ideas what it is?'

'Nope.' Olivia grabbed her stuff and left.

'He what?!' Olivia raised her voice. She couldn't fathom what Barba was telling her.

'He's offering to plead guilty to rape and wants to admit the whole thing in open court.'

'But… He didn't…. It isn't…' Olivia's mind was so confused right now she couldn't focus. 'Why would he want to admit to something he didn't do?'

'Just think about it Olivia. It would save you the trial.'

'NO! No. No. He didn't rape me.' Olivia said loudly as she started to pace. 'He couldn't do it. The tests show I wasn't rape. No, he doesn't get to do this to me!' Olivia was almost shaking.

'Liv, I was obligated to bring this to you. Do you want to go ahead with the trial?'

'Yes.'

Barba walked to his desk and then returned with a folder. 'Liv, this is your grand jury testimony. Study it. Memorize it. You can't deviate from it even once or they will come after you for excessive force.'

Olivia nodded as she took the file from him.

'I'll phone you tonight, ok?'

Again Olivia just nodded before she turned to leave.

As Olivia left Barba took a seat at his desk and let out a sigh. Olivia was placing her trust in him. He couldn't. No, wouldn't let her down. Lewis had slipped through his fingers once before and they had paid a high price. Almost too high. This round he _had_ to win.

Olivia had asked Nick to cover for her for an hour and he was growing concerned. Olivia had been gone for almost two hours now. He did not want to call her but he wondered what was keeping her this long.

'Nick, where's Liv? I need to speak to her about a case.' Cragen said as he approached their desks.

'Ah…' Nick was not sure how to reply.

'What's up Nick?'

'Cap, Barba phoned earlier and Liv said she would be an hour. That was two hours ago.'

Cragen leant forward on his arms, hung his head, and sighed.

'Ok, let me know when she returns.'

'Will do, sir.'

Unbeknown to her co-workers Olivia had entered the precinct over an hour ago. She was sitting on the roof. She and her colleagues often came up her when they needed time to think. She was sitting trying to convince herself she was strong enough to handle what was coming and that she had done the right thing in turning down the deal that Lewis had offered.

Suddenly her phone beeped.

'Just checking you ok? Nick told me you are late in returning.'

'So sorry Cap. Lost track of time. Down in 2.'

Olivia felt so guilty that she had lost track of time. She immediately picked up her stuff and hurried down.

Nick saw Olivia rush in dropped her stuff on her desk and almost jog to Cragen's office. She took a second to compose herself before knocking on the door.

'Come in.'

'Hi Cap. I'm so sorry. I lost track of time and I…'

'Olivia. Take a breath. Have a seat.' Cragen stopped talking for a few minutes before continuing. 'Yes, I do want to speak to you about a case but I was just checking that you were ok. Nick said Barba wanted to see you.'

Don could immediately see Olivia's face cloud over.

'Yeah. Lewis….' She took a deep breath. 'He offered a deal.'

Cragen was surprised.

'I couldn't accept it, Don.'

'Knowing Lewis it must have had a twist.'

'He wanted to plead guilty to raping me and allocute it in open court.'

Cragen felt the rage coursing through his veins.

'I'm glad you didn't take it.'

'You are?'

'Yes.' The answer was short but strong. 'Liv, I saw the results.'

Olivia knew he had seen the forensic exam but hearing him say it made her want to disappear into the chair.

Cragen saw her reaction to his last statement and knew he had to address the shame now showing in her posture. He got up and walked around his desk to sit in the chair next to her.

'You know that shame has no place in this office.'

She looked up at him from where she sat hunched over.

'I'm a cop. I should have…'

'Should have what Olivia?' His tone was harsh. 'Should have reacted faster? Fought harder? Screamed louder?'

Olivia stared back at him.

'Olivia you didn't see yourself when Nick walked you out that beach house. There was nothing else you should have done. Your voice was hoarse. You body weak from fighting. Your eyes….' Don's throat threatened to close. 'You did _everything_ you could.'

Olivia sat staring at her hands. Finally she spoke again.

'I turned the deal down but I don't know if I can face him in court.' She started to swat at the tears threatening to fall.

'Olivia, there is something I need to tell you.' Cragen stopped to gather strength. 'I am so proud of you for making it thus far. You've fought to get your life back and you have. The way you survived... Olivia as hard as it was to see you walk out there so traumatised, I have never been prouder of you.' Cragen put her hand on her shoulder. 'You won that round and this time when you face him, you won't be alone.'

Olivia gave half a smile before returning her gaze to her lap.

'About that.' She drew a deep breath. 'I don't think I want everyone there when I testify.'

'Liv, you know you have nothing to be ashamed of.'

'Yeah I know and I know he didn't rape me. It's just… it got personal. I mean.' Her hand did the talking for her as it rubbed her chest.

'You don't want the whole team there then that's ok. We'll be right outside when you finish.'

'But I don't want to hurt their feelings. I don't know how to tell them.'

'Let me handle that.'

'Thanks.'

'But Liv, I really think you should have at least one person in there with you.'

'Dana offered but I was thinking of maybe asking Melinda.'

'Because she was at the hospital with you.' Cragen finishing her thought off for her.

'Yes.'

'That might be a good idea.'

Both parties fell silent for a few moments.

Olivia then brushed her hand over her face and turned to her boss.

'You said you want to speak to me about a case?'

'Oh yes.' Cragen got up to open a drawer in his desk. 'It's a rape murder, been cold for two years now and I thought that if you had a few hours that you wanted to work on days that the trial is not on you could work on that. Then there'll be no problem when you can't be in every day.'

'Ok. What have we got?'

Later that day Olivia took a walk down to the morgue. She had the case file which Cragen had given her and she did want to get Melinda's view on the autopsy but she also wanted to have a different conversation with her friend.

'Olivia, what brings you down here?'

'Cragen gave me a cold case to work on in the next few weeks and I wanted to get your opinion if you have time.'

'Take a seat. The people waiting for me are not going anywhere.'

'Melinda!'

'What? It's true.'

The two friends had a quick chuckle.

Melinda and Olivia discussed the case for about half an hour.

'Thanks for taking a fresh look at the results, Mel.'

'My pleasure. It's sometime nice to dabble in your investigation and not just be stuck with dead bodies.'

Olivia sat back in her chair and grew silent.

'Liv? Is there anything else I can do for you?'

Olivia took a deep breath and released it.

'Lewis' trial starts on Wednesday.'

'Yeah I heard.'

'Brian is on an undercover op at the moment.'

'Oh Liv.' Melinda sympathized.

'I've spoken to Cragen and Fin. I don't want the crew there when I'm on the stand.'

Olivia saw the same expression on Melinda's face that had been on Fin's and Cragen's.

'I know Mel. No shame but I just don't want them there. Rafael needs me to go into details and… Mel, I begged for my life…'

'Liv, he made you.'

'I know. I know. But I just don't think I'll be able to go into such detail with the squad there.'

'Ok.'

'But they said it might be good for me to have a friend in court.'

'I agree.'

'Mel, you were there for me at the hospital and for that I can't thank you enough. You were great. Would you maybe be willing to do it again?'

Suddenly Melinda grasped what Olivia was asking. Olivia wanted none of her colleagues to hear her testify, not even Cragen who she considered a father figure and yet she was asking Melinda to be there! This was coming from a woman who found it difficult to trust people.

A few moments had passed since Olivia had verbalised her request and Olivia judge the lack of response from Melinda as I negative thing. She quickly started to backtrack.

'I mean if you don't want to be there or if you can't.'

Suddenly Melinda realised that she hadn't replied and why Olivia was trying to backtrack.

'Liv, stop. I'm sorry I hesitated. I was just thinking about what a privilege it would be to be there for you.'

'Privilege?'

'Yes Liv. You just said you wanted none of your work colleagues there.'

'So you'll come?'

'Liv, yes. I'll change my shifts for the next week and make sure I'm available.'

'Thanks, Mel.' Olivia gave her a hug and began to leave.

'Mel.' Olivia turned around at the door. 'If you can't swop your shifts its ok.'

Melinda got up and met Olivia across the room.

'Olivia, listen to me. Even if I have to call in another ME from another district, I will be there. Ok?'

Olivia was so touched by her friend's willingness to support her all she could say was a quick thanks.


	8. A Favour

On Tuesday Olivia was at work but everyone could see that she was on edge. She kept rereading through the case file that Cragen had given to try and orientate herself with everything about the case. The observations that Melinda had given her were indeed helpful but she wasn't as productive as she had hoped. As she continued to work at her desk, she was unaware that she was being watched by her co-workers.

Fin had noticed that she was the first one in this morning and had not stopped for a break since he had come in.

Amanda saw how Olivia's makeup wasn't as neat and proper as she usually did it. It was still suitable but somehow it just wasn't Olivia's norm.

Nick was aware of how Olivia was keeping her hands busy while she was reading. She was either playing with her pen, her hair or something else on her desk. It was a nervous habit that she had.

Cragen was aware of Olivia at her desk but he was just about the only one focused on the task at hand. That was until his phone rang.

'Captain Cragen, Special Victims Unit.'

'Don, its Tucker.'

'Hi. How are you?'

'Good, thanks. You?'

'We're coping.'

'Well, got some good news for you.'

'Yeah?'

'It is organised. I'm about 90% sure.'

'When?'

'Probably tomorrow.'

'If so, I'll owe you one.'

'And I'll collect one day.'

'This means a lot.'

'I know Don. Take care.'

'You too Tucker.'

Don put the phone down and put his head in his hands. He didn't like to owe Tucker anything. The guy had been a thorn in his squad's side for years, but if Tucker had arranged this favour, it would be worth it.


	9. Behind Closed Doors

Olivia got home and warmed up supper and poured herself a glass of wine. As she was taking everything to the coffee table in the lounge, the buzzer for the gate below went. After she put everything down she stood looking at the buzzer wearily. She wasn't expecting anyone and to be honest she didn't feel like company. As she stood in no man's land her phone started to ring. She moved towards it.

'Benson.'

'Liv. Its Melinda. You upstairs?'

'Hi. Yes, I am. But um…'

'Come on, let me in and I'll explain.'

'Ok.' Olivia pressed the button to let Melinda enter.

A few minutes passed before Melinda knocked on the door.

'Hey Liv.' Melinda said as Olivia opened the door for her.

'Hey.'

Together they walked in silence till the reach the couch and sat down.

'Ok, so you most probably don't feel like company tonight and making small talk etc. but I'm guessing you'll probably not get much sleep tonight.'

Olivia flopped back against the couch, closed her eyes, and sighed.

'Right on all accounts.'

'Ok so I thought I would stay the night.'

Olivia starred at her friend.

'Sometimes it just calms you down to have another person in the house.'

'How did you know?'

Now it was Melinda's turn to lean back again her couch and sigh.

'You all know about my daughter but you don't know about my husband.'

Olivia looked at her friend.

'We met in the army and when we returned from duty we dated a few months and then got married. I fell pregnant a few months later and then we were both recalled. I decided to retire and got a job as a ME but James he couldn't use the excuse of having a small baby at home so he had to report for duty. James only had one tour left before he could retire. He was shot in the line of duty and never returned. Melissa was only three months when he left and seven months when he was killed.'

'Melinda, I am so sorry.'

'Thanks. It was a long time ago. Anyways, those first few weeks after he left my mother came to visit and then again when James was killed and somehow just having her in the house helped me.'

'It must have helped having her there with a small baby.'

Without her even realizing it, Olivia and Melinda spent the next two and half hours chatting about Melinda's life in the army and her life after her husband died. She was only alerted to the passing time as she began to yawn.

'So much for not wanting company tonight.' Olivia laughed as they realized the time.

'Sometimes we don't realize what we want or need until we have it.'

'I guess so.'

They both went their separate ways to get ready for bed and then found themselves both in the kitchen at the same time awhile later.

'Liv, you know I'm here to help right?'

'Yeah.'

'So how about I tell you a few more stories after a nightmare later?'

Suddenly Olivia was embarrassed.

'Liv?'

'I don't like waking people up.'

Melinda moved to touch Olivia's arm and as a result of that movement Olivia brought her eyes to meet Melinda's.

'Please Liv? Let me. When you were missing the others could search for you. All I could do was sit and pray that you wouldn't land up on my table.'

Olivia was moved by the tears that were forming in her friend's eyes.

'You did so much for me that day Melinda. You'll never know how much it meant to know you were looking after me when I was out of it. I knew I was safe because you were there.'

'And I'm here tonight so you're safe.' Melinda whispered as they embraced.

Melinda had always been a light sleeper. She presumed it was because she was a single parent and if she wasn't subconsciously listening for her daughter, she was listening for her phone to ring to call her out on a case. So it was not surprisingly that when Olivia started to plead in her sleep that Melinda heard her. It was actually quite a relief for Melinda because she wasn't sure if Olivia would wake her up after a nightmare. Melinda got up and went into Olivia's room softly. As Melinda stood there trying to wake Olivia up, tears started to form in Melinda's eyes as she heard her friend beg for something. Melinda went to sit on the bed beside Olivia and tried to wake her up in much the same way as she had done months ago at the hospital. Suddenly Olivia's eyes shot open and she moved recoiled from Melinda.

'Sssh Liv. It's okay.'

All Olivia could do was nod her head as she curled up into a ball. Then as if her bed was on fire Olivia flew out of bed and ran towards the bathroom with her hand covering her mouth. By the time Melinda caught up with her Olivia was busy getting sick in the toilet. Melinda gently knelt down behind her, swept her hair out of her neck and started to rub circles on Olivia's back. Melinda stayed in that position, not saying anything, until it seemed like there was nothing left. Olivia was still hurling but she had long since emptied her stomach. Melinda got up to wet a cloth and then started to wipe down the back of Olivia's neck and arms.

'Liv, turn around for me.'

Olivia just shook her head.

'Liv, please. There's nothing left.' Melinda didn't understand why Olivia didn't want to turn towards her. Then Melinda felt Olivia's shoulders started to shake and Melinda understood why she wasn't turning around. Melinda pulled Olivia towards her and for the next half an hour just allowed Olivia to break in her arms.

'Liv?' Melinda spoke gently as Olivia had stopped crying a few minutes ago and was just hiccupping. 'Why don't we move towards the bed? It will be more comfortable. Olivia started to lift herself off of Melinda but fell back. Melinda then realized that after all the crying and getting sick, Olivia's strength wasn't as it normally was.

'Sorry' Olivia mumbled as she tried to sit up for the second time.

'It's ok, Liv. You're just a bit weak from everything. Let me help you.' After getting to her feet Melinda assisted Olivia to stand and then assisted her to get into bed.

'Just hang in there for five minutes. I'll be back.' Melinda said as she left the room. She walked towards the kitchen, put the lights on and started to boil the kettle. As she stood alone in the kitchen Melinda was overwhelmed at the memory of what just happened in the bathroom. By the time the tea was made, Melinda had pulled herself together again and was ready to be a pillar of strength for Olivia. She tapped softly at the door as she entered.

'Hey' came a soft response from Olivia.

'How you feeling?'

'You mean other than embarrassed?'

'Liv, you cannot help the reaction your body had to your nightmare. Somethings are really out of your control.'

'I just feel so stupid.'

'Don't ok?'

Olivia nodded.

'You think you can slowly sip some tea?'

'Yeah, I think so.'

'Okay. Just take it slow.'

Both women sat in silence for a few minute before Melinda took the next step.

'Olivia, how often have you had that reaction after a nightmare?'

'Just a few times when I got home.'

'So right in the beginning of your recovery?'

'Yeah. Dr Carter and I worked on techniques I could use when I woke up after that nightmare to stop me from getting physically sick. I guess it didn't work tonight.' Olivia put her head back and looked up at the ceiling.

'Hey. Techniques don't always work. So it's only one nightmare that has this reaction?'

'Mostly.'

'Care to share?'

Olivia stared at her friend.

'Melinda, it is bad enough that it is in my head and I can't get rid of it. You don't want it in yours too.'

'Liv, have you forgotten what I do for a living?'

Olivia gave Melinda a weak smile.

'It's when he. . . When I had to watch him. . .'

Melinda squeezed Olivia's hand as to say that Olivia needn't go any further. Having known Olivia for so long Melinda should have known that was what she would struggle with the most.

Melinda saw the clock next to Olivia's bed and saw that it was two forty-five. She walked around the bed and climbed in. This made Olivia raise her eyebrows. Melinda ignored the inquisitive looks from Olivia and settled herself before patting the empty spot between them, causing Olivia to laugh.

'Are you coming or are you gonna make me come get you?'

Olivia seemed a bit weary so Melinda decided to break the ice yet again.

'I promise to take no selfies with Badass Benson while you sleep.'

Olivia laughed yet again and moved next to Melinda.

'Ok, maybe I'll only take one, blow it up, and display it in my office.' Melinda joked.

Olivia sat up and look at her friend.

'Relax Liv. I wouldn't dare. Just try and get some sleep.'

Olivia woke up the next morning just minutes before Melinda knocked at her door.

'Come in.'

'Hey there.'

'Wow. Where did you find all this? Definitely not in my kitchen.'

'Nah. I went to the store around the corner.' Melinda laughed.

'Well, I hope you going to help me finish this all.'

'I don't know when last I've had breakfast in bed.' Olivia said as she surveyed the choices in front of her.

'I thought at least we can start the day right.' Melinda said as she kicked off her shoes and got back into the side of the bed which she had claimed last night.

'Thanks Mel.'

'A girl has got to eat.'

'No Mel, I meant thank you.'

'Liv, last night or technically this morning, it stays between us, unless you tell.'

'I know that a girl has to protect her reputation.' Melinda added quickly in an attempt to lighten the mood.

'Especially when you work in our business.' Olivia added.

'That's for sure. Don't worry I've got this Badass's back!'

Both women laughed.

Melinda couldn't help but notice that Olivia was getting more and more nervous as they got ready that morning. She caught Olivia trying to do her shirt buttons up but because her hands trembling she was struggling. Without a word, Melinda walked up to Olivia who was standing in front of the mirror, turned Olivia around, and put her hands on Olivia's to still them. Once Olivia's hands stop trembling, Melinda pushed them away and started doing Olivia's buttons.

'I don't know why I can't get a grip.' Olivia started.

Melinda stayed quiet until she was finish and then held the jacket Olivia had picked out so that she could slip into it. With Olivia dressed Melinda walked to Olivia's jewellery boy and picked up a specific necklace and then sat down next to Olivia.

'It's not about getting a grip. You are nervous, perhaps a bit afraid to face him and no matter how many years you've being going after crooks out there, today is different. You're going there not only as Badass Benson, but as Olivia, the woman who fought so hard to stay alive. Liv, this isn't just a case, this is your case. You are playing an unfamiliar role so it's okay to feel nervous, scared and anything else you may be feeling.'

Olivia looked in her friends face and saw such love, acceptance and support.

'Just remember one thing, we are all here for you.' Melinda opened Olivia's hand and dropped the necklace into her palm.

Olivia looked down and saw the word 'fearless' facing her. Tears started to form behind her eyes.

'Melinda, I can't.'

'Olivia, today is the perfect day to wear it because that's what you are and even he couldn't change that!'


	10. A Timely visitor

Olivia walked strongly up the steps passed the press towards the courthouse. Melinda kept in step with Olivia. Melinda knew that the change of persona had happened. No one here would see what she had seen last night or just an hour ago. Out here the mask would stay on. Detective Benson was here and for now Olivia was locked away.

Once they were inside and out of sight of most people, Olivia's steps slowed and for a brief minute Melinda grabbed hold of her hand and squeezed it. The first battle had been won. By the time the two had reached the group that was waiting for them, Detective Benson was yet again in charge. After the greetings were over, Cragen stepped towards Olivia.

'Liv, could I see you in private for a minute.'

'Now?' Olivia asked.

'Go on Liv. We still have twenty minutes before we have to be seated.'

'I just need to speak to you for a few minutes.'

She walked with Don to a room and as Don opened the door Olivia's heart stopped.

'Hey Babe.'

Olivia was speechless. In fact she thought she was dreaming. While she stood rooted to the ground, Brian crossed the floor to meet her. Olivia reached out her hand to touch his face to make sure she wasn't dreaming.

'Yes, Liv. I'm here.' Brian answered her unspoken question.

'How?' The word came out as a whisper.

'Cragen called Tucker.' Olivia put her forehead against his chest. She was still not sure whether she could lean on him yet.

'When do you go back?' Maybe they had just organized a quick visit for them. Was her thought.

'Other guys are handling the case from here on in. They've promised no other cases until the court case is finished.'

That was all Olivia needed to hear before she leaned on him. As she transferred some of her weight to him, Brian stood strong and put his arms around her. He had come home for her and as long as she was going to allow him to carry some of the weight for her, he would oblige. Brian let the silence continue for about five minutes as they were content in just standing in each other's arms.

'Liv.'

'Mm.'

'I think we need to go back out there and join the others. '

She pulled away from him.

'I guess so.'

'Hey,' he said taking her hands in his and waiting for her to look at him. 'Just a few things before we go. Nothing and I mean nothing that is said in there over the next few days or weeks will change what I think of you. Ok?'

Olivia gave the slightest of nods that she could. She didn't believe what Brian had just said.

'Secondly, I'm here. You are not alone so try not to close yourself off. Let me help you through this. But I'll need you to communicate with me – Tell me what you need when. Don't be scared that if you lean too hard I'll run. I won't. Not now. Ok? '

Olivia Started to pace around the room, trying to put her thoughts in order.

'I need to. . .'

'What?'

'I don't want to break in there, not in front of him. At home, yes. In this room, away from him and the press, maybe. But not in there.' The last sentence came out as a hoarse whisper.

'Ok, I get that.'

'If we want to talk, I mean about what happened or if you have questions, we do it at home?'

'Yes.'

'Thanks.'

'What else?'

Olivia Hesitated.

'Liv, tell me?'

Again she looked like she couldn't say what she wanted to.

'Liv. I won't judge.'

Suddenly it all came out. She told Brian every detail of her evening with Melinda. Then she held her breath to see how he would respond.

Brian felt so guilty for not being there for Olivia during the last week, especially last night. For a moment he stood still just absorbing what she had just said. Then he walked over to her and cupped her face with his hands.

'Thank you.'

'Huh?'

'Thank you for telling me Olivia.'

She just stared at him. Was that all he was going to say? Was he seriously okay with the kind of mess she was right now?

'Liv, whoever you need in that spare room for the next few weeks that's ok. But I'm willing to be that person if you would want me but if you need someone like Melinda, I understand.'

'I. . . I'

'Liv I told you I want to wait for marriage this time but that doesn't mean I would not be there for you right now. If you need me to be there while the trial is on then that is where I'll be. No expectations.'

'Brian, would you come and stay while the trial is on? '

Brian smiled, 'Yes, Liv. I'll come.'

As Brian agreed to the temporary arrangements there was a knock on the door.

'Ah, Liv.' Cragen opened the door. 'We're ready to go in.'

'Okay Cap. Be right there.'

Ever since Cragen returned from taking Olivia to the room he had a slight smile on his face. Fin, Nick, Munch, Amanda, Melinda, and Barba had all noticed it. They had all silently questioned each other but no one could figure out why Cragen would, at this time, be smiling. When Barba gave them all the five minute warning Cragen had gone to knock at the door, said something in the room, and then returned once again without Olivia.

'Should I go get Olivia?' Melinda asked Cragen.

'She's on her way.'

Right at that precision moment Olivia walked out the room with Brian at her side.

Now Cragen wasn't the only one of the group that was smiling. As the two joined the group Brian was met with a few handshakes and a few pats on the back.

Barba knew that with Brian by her side, Olivia would be strong enough for what was coming.

Nick, although he had not had the best of relationships with Brian at first, could feel the relief wash over him.

Fin was most definitely going to take Brian out for a drink.

Munch thought this was the best move his ex-partner had ever pulled.

Amanda, she felt that things were starting out pretty well.

Melinda could see something in Olivia's eyes that was not there an hour ago: Determination.


	11. State vs William Lewis

Olivia sat down on the hard wooden bench with Melinda on her left and Brian on her right. The other squad members sat either side of the three but Cragen had purposefully positioned himself right behind Olivia. From where he sat he could both be a buffer between Olivia and any other member of the public who chose to sit there as well as reach out to her to provide comfort should she need.

When the side door opened and Lewis stepped out in his dark suit, Brian could see the tension and apprehension rise in Olivia. Her breathing hitched and her hands began to tremble slightly. Brian slipped his hand into hers and held it. She returned pressure but her gaze refused to cease to return the stare that Lewis was giving her. Once Lewis was seated and he had turned his back on her, her head bowed down and she closed her eyes.

'All rise for the Honourable Judge Aaron.'

'Please be seated. Good morning all. I sincerely hope we are all ready to proceed.'

'We are your honor.' Came Barba's response.

'Mr. Lewis?'

'I am sir.'

'All right. Please proceed Mr. Barba.'

'Good morning ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Let me start by thanking you for your presence here today and for the duration of this trial. I know that you are sacrificing a lot to be part of this trial. You are going to hear the best and the worst that our society has to offer and it is your job as the jury to decide whose version of events you are going to believe. I ask you to carefully weigh what will be presented to you and come up with the best verdict that will serve the community and society at large.' Barba took a moment to let his first opening lines settle with the jury before continuing.

'On September 26th 2013 William Lewis broke into Detective Olivia Benson's apartment and awaited her arrival. When she arrived home after a full day's work, the defendant held her at gun point. What presued was four days of hell that no person should have to live through. Detective Benson was held against her will, drugged, force to drink alcohol and consume sleeping tablets, threatened and tortured. She was kidnapped out of her own apartment, taken to another couple's house where she was forced, and I mean forced, to watch the rape of an elderly woman, listen to the murder of the woman's husband. Then still in shock and yet again drugged, she was put in a car under a piece of plastic. When a patrolman stopped the vehicle, she briefly thought her ordeal was coming to an end, but instead of being rescued she had to helplessly listen to the execution of her would be deliverer. After the brutal murder of a fellow officer, she was taken to a beach house where she endured another roughly eighteen hours with the defendant while she was tied up to a bed.' Once again Barba paused to allow the jury to think about what he had just told them and for himself to settle his emotions.

Olivia sat listening to Barba tell the jury what had happened. Once he got to the point of the rape of Mrs Meyers and the murder of Officer Smite she bowed her head as a fresh wave of guilt flooded over her. Cragen saw what was happening and knew what was going through his lead detective's head. He slid forward and whispered into her ear.

'Don't. What he did does not reflect on you. You were tied up. Don't take his guilt on yourself. You could not help them or you would have.'

Olivia was grateful for the words when they reached her ear. Not only did they pull her back from going down a dark hole but by the time Olivia refocused on what Barba was saying he had finished his summary of what had happened.

'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I would like to introduce you to Detective Benson. I am going to give you a true and honest reflection of this woman before the defendant can in anyway tarnish her reputation because I guarantee you that he will try. So when you hear the facts on this case, or the attempts of the defence to paint her in a less appealing light, I would like you to match up what is being said against what I'm about to present to you.'

Barba stepped back towards the table took a few sheets of paper and went to stand near to where Olivia was sitting. As he spoke he slowly walked towards the jury box.

'Detective First Grade Olivia Benson has been with the NYPD for eighteen years. She became a detective after just three years with the department and transferred straight to the Special Victim Unit. Now due to the heinous nature of the crimes that these detectives face and the stress and emotional toll people in this unit face the normal duration of a detective's stay in this unit is just three years. Detective Benson has faithfully served this unit for fifteen years. Promoted twice by her superiors, and having received various commendations for her work, Detective Benson is known as one of the best in her field. Not only has she served the NYPD during this period but she has been loaned out to the FBI and other departments.

You may think that after so many years in this specific unit that Olivia Benson is a hard, tough, angry and cynical person. Well, I and so many others, some of whom will testify in this court, can state the opposite. She may be tough and be able to chase down a criminal but when the detectives of the sixteenth precinct have a case where the victim is a traumatised child, it often happens that the other detectives in the unit stand back so, And I quote, 'Olivia can work her magic' unquote.

Some may say her lack of friends or a husband and child speaks to an obsession with her job.  
I like to look at it as dedication. When you are awoken at two in the morning and told that a woman has been attacked on her way home after a night out with friends and you are asked to leave your warm bed to go out into icy conditions and help her, ladies and gentlemen that is serving. When you work eighteen hours straight looking for a missing kid who has been abducted by who knows who, that is when you cancel your evening plans with your guy yet again. The long hours and the dedication that these elite detectives put in to their jobs is not an obsession, it is necessary to make sure that you and I as well as our families can be safe. I have been working with this unit for three years now and the hours I spend working on case now takes me back to when I was studying and still these people out work me.' At the end of his opening statement, having spent a lot of his time in front of the jury, making eye contact with each member, he found himself leaning on the bar in front of the gallery where the detectives of the sixteenth squeezed sat silently thanking them for their service.

'So ladies and gentlemen of the jury' Barba turned around as he was finishing, 'I ask you to listen to this case very carefully, consider the circumstances and the facts and then after doing all that I ask you to restore our faith in humanity and the justice system and find William Lewis guilty of his crimes.' finally Barba sat down.

As Lewis greeted the jury and began his opening statement Olivia's phone vibrated. She adjusted herself so she could reach it and held it where no one could see that see was using her phone.

1 new message. She opened it.

'So Cragen mentioned you were thinking of going away on holiday. Where we going? B'

Olivia looked at Brian. He was looking straight ahead but had a small smile on his face.

'Really? We're going to do this now?'

'Yeah. So what must I pack?'

'Who said you are invited? '

'Ouch! '

'Suppose I can reconsider having some company.'

'That's better. Thought of anywhere you'd like to go?'

'Was thinking beach. I really get want to get away, let this all go.'

'Strolling down the beach barefoot at sunset. I think I can do that. Lying in the sun with our books.'

'No murder mysteries.'

'LOL. Agree.'

'Got any place in mind?'

'You said get away right?'

'Yeah.'

'What about Hawaii?'

'Bri, that's too much.'

'Why? You deserve something good after your year.'

'I was thinking more like California.'

'You deserve more.'

Olivia and Brian kept the conversation going until she felt Melinda touch her arm. She looked up at her friend as Melinda spoke to her.

'Liv, did you hear what I just said?'

'No. What?'

'The court is breaking for lunch. Lewis is done with his opening. Barba will call his first witness after lunch.'

Olivia didn't say a word but instead looked around the courtroom. She saw that everyone was leaving. Then she looked at Brian. He had such a naughty look on his face.

'You! That was planned.' She said with mock anger.

'You heard the important bit. The rest, well they were all lies.'

'And how would you know?'

Brian put his arm around her and they started towards the door.

'Can I tell you a secret? If they really want to men can multitask too.'

Olivia couldn't help but let out a laugh.

Just outside the doors of the courtroom Brian and Olivia caught up with the rest of the gang.

'Liv, Nick, Amanda, Melinda, and I are going to head to the house. Barba is going to call Fin after lunch and his testimony will probably take the afternoon.' Cragen took it upon himself to enlightened Olivia of the plan.

'Ok, um, can I go with you guys? I want to put in a few hours.' She looked between Brian and her captain.

'Babe, are you sure? You don't have anything to prove.'

'Brian, thanks to you today was better than I thought. I know there will be tougher days ahead so I want to make the best of the good ones.'

Brian kissed her on the head. 'Then I'll see you after work.'

Olivia started to turn towards her squad and then turned back.

'What are. . .? '

'Liv, this will give me a chance to go debrief and maybe get a load of washing done. Go, I'll be fine.' Brian anticipated her question.

She walked towards him and gave him a hug.

'Pick me up at 5? I get to work office hours during the trial.'

'That's nice. Yes. I'll pick you up at five.'

'You are staying at my place right?' She said softly because she felt uncertain.

'Yes Liv. I haven't forgotten.'

Olivia stopped in front of Fin and gave him a hug.

'Don't worry about me Liv, I'll be fine. I got your back.'


	12. Chapter 12

Hi All. Sorry I've been so bad at updating this story. In a few weeks my life should slow down. I love getting reviews and that will remind me to update. T

Brian walked into the squad room just before five to find Olivia's stuff on her desk but her computer already shut down. He looked around the room but couldn't find her immediately.

'She's just updating Cap on her case. Shouldn't be much longer.' Nick said as he walked back into the room.

'Her case?'

'Yeah, Cap wanted here to go solo on this one.'

Brian nodded. He didn't know what she was working on so he couldn't really comment.

'How was she today?'

Nick sat back in his chair. At first he and Brian did not get along. He thought Brian was just having some fun, but the way Brian had supported and stuck by Olivia since Lewis had come into their lives had changed Nick's perception of Brian.

'She was very quiet but focused. Couldn't see where her head is at. Maybe you can have a go.'

'I'll try.'

Just then Olivia walked out of Cragen's office and saw Brian waiting for her at her desk. As he saw her he stood up and waited forward her to reach him.

'Hey Babe.'

'Hi.'

'You ready to go?'

'Yip.' She grabbed her bag and put it over her shoulder. 'Nick, I'll see you. . .' Olivia hesitated because with the case going on she wasn't sure when see would see anybody due to the fact that they were all splitting their time between works and being in court.

'If I don't see you tomorrow I'll give you a call.' Nick understood her hesitation.

'Ok.'

'Get some rest Liv.'

As Olivia and Brian walked out the precinct Olivia slipped her hand into Brian's. This made him both happy because he wanted to hold Olivia's hand and show her the affection he felt for her. But it also made him feel unease. Olivia rarely showed affection in public and this could be a sign that she needed some reassurance.

'What you want for supper tonight? 'He asked.

'I have not really thought about that.'

'Not a problem. Why don't we stop at the shop and get some stuff for my Italian pasta?' 'Bri, I invited you over. '

'And does that mean I can't cook dinner for my beautiful girlfriend?' He held the door of his car open as she got in. When he got in the other side she could give him an answer.

'I do really like your Italian pasta.'

'Then it's settled you can tell me what I missed when I was away while I make my master dish.'

About an hour after leaving the office, the couple entered Olivia's apartment. Both of them were carrying packets as they decided to do shopping for a few days so that they wouldn't have to go buy groceries every day after court or work. While they packed away the shopping Brian made Olivia mug of tea.

'Liv, go put something more comfortable on and by the time you return your tea will be ready.' Olivia was still wearing to clothes she wore to court that morning.

'But I haven't. . . '

'Go. 'Brian pretended to be stern. 'I'll finish here.'

'Yes, sir. 'Olivia smiled as put the packet of rice away and then made her way out the kitchen.

As the water started to boil Olivia appeared again.

'Hey. Can I help? '

'Hey. Nope you can't but I have something you can do.'

'Ok, what?'

'Sit your butt on that chair, drink your tea and fill me in on the last two weeks.'

'Brian.'

'Please Liv. I want to know what I've missed. My job requires me to go under cover at times but I wanted you to fill me in on everything when I get back. I really want to be there for you but I need your help.' Brian was now standing in front of Olivia with his hands resting lightly on her legs.

'Ok. Where shall I start?'

'When did you hear about the court date?' Brian turned around and walked towards the stove.

Olivia sat silently.

'Liv?'

Olivia looked down at her lap.

'When? Before I left?' He leant up against the counter.

'Do you remember what happened the day before you left?'

'I came for dinner.' He said innocently.

'Remember how that happened?'

Brian hung his head. The events of that night were coming back to him.

'I sent. . .' Olivia started.

Brian put up a hand and stopped Olivia from speaking.

'You sent me a message earlier in the day saying you wanted to see me.' Brian still wouldn't look her in to face.

'Yes Bri. But when you arrived. . . '

'All I could speak about was the case they asked me to do.' Brian interrupted her. 'Can I ask you a question?'

'Sure. '

'You when to the bathroom right before we sat down to eat. Did you really need the bathroom?'

'Bri.'

'Olivia please answer me.'

'No. I needed a minute to pull myself together. I really wanted to support you as well.'

Brian put down the spoon he was holding and left the kitchen. When Olivia caught up with him he was sitting on the sofa with his head in his hands.

'Oh Bri.' She came too sat next to him.

'I screwed up.'

'Once.'

Brian looked up at her. 'What?'

'Brian,' she took his hands in hers. 'These last few months since the attack you have been amazing. You have stuck by me even when I thought you would run. You have been my rock so many times when I almost lost it. The nights when I've had nightmares you have spoken to me until I felt I could relax again. That day in the garage when I was almost taken hostage, you brought me back. You have no idea what you have done for me. Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in months and this morning I had no idea how I was going to make it through the trial but then Cragen took me into that room. Brian just seeing and knowing you were going to be beside me, I could walk into that courtroom.'

Brian pulled Olivia and held her.

'I'm sorry about the other night.'

'I know you are.'

Suddenly he jumped up and sprinted to the kitchen.

'Brian? '

'My pot!'

Olivia couldn't help but sit laughing.

After a few minutes of laughter Olivia went to re-join Brian in the kitchen.

'Liv. May I ask one more difficult question?'

'Yes. I said we could talk when we were at home. Ask.' Olivia knew how hard he had just taken the last answer but she appreciated the fact that he really was making an effort to catch up with what he had missed. If he could ask the hard questions, she would answer them.

'Actually it's two questions.' He briefly looked away from where he was chopping the stuff for the sauce and made eye contact. 'When did you hear Lewis was going to represent himself and how did you cope?'

'That same day.' Was all she needed to say.

Brian nodded his head and let out a big sigh. _You really screwed up badly there dude!_

'Bri, there's something else I think you need to know.' Again Olivia looked down at her lap briefly. 'Please promise you won't get mad. I don't think I can cope with an anger outburst tonight.'

'Liv.' Brian spoke in a comforting manner. 'I'm here. I won't go anywhere and I'll try not to get mad.'

'Lewis offered a deal on Monday.'

'He what? Why are we then in court?' Brian wasn't mad yet but Olivia knew the worst part was still coming.

'I couldn't take the deal.'

'Why?'

Olivia started to walk towards the end of kitchen to put some space between them.

'Hey. Where you going?'

'I. . . I'm scared you going to get mad.'

'Olivia, come here.' Brian closed the gap between them. 'You _never_ have to be scared of me. I would never ever take my anger out on you. Never.'

'I know you wouldn't but I just. . . When Elliot got mad he sometimes threw things.'

'And I'm not him, ok?'

Brian wrapped his arms around her and held her.

'He wanted to admit to raping me and tell it all in open court.' Olivia half whispered over his shoulder.

Brian had fire running through his veins at that moment. His stomach reacted but he remained quiet and still. He had just promised not to react so he wouldn't. Later when he was at the gym, well that was a different story.

All Brian did was lift his head and kiss her on the side of her face.

'Brian. I promise he didn't. After four days he still didn't.'

'Babe, look at me. I believe you and Olivia Benson I am proud of you for not taking the deal.'

'You are?'

'Yes. Now I think, unless there is more that you want to tell me tonight about the case, I think it's time to eat and move the conversation in a lighter direction.'

Once again Brian had amazed Olivia.

'Let's eat.' Olivia replied.

The two went about setting the table for dinner.

'Now, a little birdie told me you had some visitors last weekend?' Brian was determined to lighten the mood for the rest of the evening.

Brian lay awake in his bed. He had been true to his word of not losing it when Olivia told him about the deal Lewis offered but lying awake in the dark at two am things had a way of eating at you. As he lay there fuming at what Lewis was causing he heard the kitchen light switch on and then the kettle starting to boil. Brian let out a sigh as he got out of bed. This is why he had stayed over. As he left the room he took his tablet with him. He made sure to make a sound as he came down the passage so Olivia would hear him coming. Once he stood at to entrance to the kitchen Olivia knew she was no longer alone.

'I was awake.' He said before she could apologize.

'Tea?' She said without turning around.

'Yeah. On scale of 1 to 10. How bad?'

'Not too bad. Maybe 5. Or maybe I'm just used to them.' She said in a monotone.

'Come on. Let's have this in bed.' He said as she handed him his tea.

As they settled into bed, he opened his tablet and googled places to stay in Hawaii. It took about forty minutes before Olivia was asleep on his chest. He closed the tablet and reached to switch off the light beside the bed. It wasn't long after that that he too fell asleep. Olivia had two more nightmares that night.


	13. Chapter 13

The next day was much the same. Olivia went to work in the morning and Brian was able to catch a shift in the office. Everyone at the office could see the dark circles under Olivia's eyes and the other signs of lack of sleep and stress on her but no one mentioned it. After their shifts, Olivia and Brian they arrived home and spoke about the trial a bit. Fin, who was first to testify highlighted the destruction that the team had found. The coat hangers, keys, cigarette butts all which had been used to torture Olivia. Lewis had apparently counted by saying that the team had staged the scene and pointed out to the jury that the same lab who had contaminated the evidence in his last trial which had caused a mistrial, had once again processed the evidence.

Next up was Amanda and her testimony had focused on what they found at the Meyer's house and how they found Mrs. Meyer hanging in the closet. Lewis had once again hit back by bringing up that Amanda had arrested him the last time and that they were trying to frame him. Nick had been on the stand when the day had ended and he had spoken about the dead officer who was shot by Lewis while Olivia was in the car. Lewis was busy cross examining Nick about how he and Olivia had interrogated him. Lewis was saying that Olivia was flirtatious and aroused when they were interviewing him. Nick counted again by say Olivia was role playing, trying to get him to confess. On the topic of the shooting, Lewis was saying that both his and Olivia's finger prints were on her gun so they couldn't really be sure he had shot the officer.

During dinner Brian came up with a suggestion.

'Liv, was thinking why don't we go down to my mom this weekend? It's just an hour out of the city. We could leave after work tomorrow and come back Sunday. '

'Ah Brian. I'm not sure. I don't think I am going to be great company this weekend.'

'Babe, I know that Cragen is testifying tomorrow and that you will be on the stand early Monday and my mother knows that. I just thought it might be good to get out for two days before we take on next week. We can't do much here this weekend because the press is going to start hounding you once they hear you next on the stand and I don't think sitting in the apartment all weekend is going to be good for either of us.'

'Your mom knows I'm testifying next week? 'Olivia was shocked.

'Yes Liv. She has been phoning every day since the trial started to see how you are doing. '

'You never told me.'

'She didn't want to crowd you. But she cares Olivia. She was actually the one who suggested we come for the weekend. You know she lives in a private complex with access to the beach. We can just chill and get away from all of this for two days.'

Brian grabbed the plates and took them to the sink to allow Olivia time to think. He knew she needed time to think about the offer before she made her decision. He poked his head out.

'Why don't you go run a nice bath and relax while I clean up?'

'No, let me help you.' She said as she got up from to table.

Brian gently put his hands on her shoulders. 'Babe, I've got this. Go relax. '

About an hour later Olivia appeared in the lounge where Brian was sitting watching TV.

'Nice bath? '

'Yeah it was. Brian I think as long as your mom doesn't expect too much from me this weekend I think it would be nice to go see her.' She said as she sat next to him.

'Great Liv. I'll give her a call in the morning and let her know to expect us tomorrow evening.'

'Are you sure it is not too late to let her know? '

'Nah. She'll be too happy to see us. Why don't you put some stuff together tonight and then I'll bring it with when I pick you up from work. That way we can leave as soon as you finish. '

'Ok.' She mumbled as she snuggled up next to him and closed her eyes.

He smiled. From the way she was getting comfortable, he knew there would be no packing done tonight.

About an hour after Olivia had fallen asleep on his lap, she started to mumble in her sleep.

'No. Please. No. Don't. I can't.'

Brian put in hand on her shoulder to try and calm her but it had the opposite effect. She started to fight him in her sleep.

'Olivia.' He spoke with a loud voice.

Suddenly she sat up and started to breath heavily.

'Liv, try to slow your breathing down. You are ok. We're at home. Feel your feet on the ground.'

But instead of sitting and reorienting herself she got up and ran to her bedroom and closed the door. Brian followed her and stood at the door knocking.

'Liv? I want to come in but I need you to give me a signal that I can. Olivia please? '

No answer. From where he stood he could hear her sobbing but she didn't give him a signal so he stood in the middle of nowhere not knowing what to do.

About fifteen minutes later Olivia's phone rang in the lounge and he went to answer it.

'Hello.' His voice was unsteady.

'Brian? What's wrong?' Melinda asked.

Brian re-laid what happened and then he said 'I don't know what to do.'

Melinda could hear the helplessness in his voice.

'Brian, I'll be there in ten minutes.'

'You don't have to. I'll find a way to get through to her.'

'Brian, I'm already out the door. You don't have to do this alone. I'll be there now.'

Brian answered the door a few minutes later when Melinda rang.

'Hey Brian.'

'I'm so sorry. I should. . . '

'Brian you are doing great. Believe me. But as I said you two are not alone in this.' Melinda said as she laid her hand on Brian's shoulder. She could see the same tiredness resonating from him as they all saw in Olivia.

'She hasn't responded to me yet but I can still hear her crying.' He squeezed his eyes shut with his hand.

'Brian, go sit down. I've got her.'

Melinda knocked on Olivia's bedroom door.

'Olivia. It's Melinda. I'm coming in.'

Melinda opened the door and stepped in. Olivia was lying on her the side with her back towards the door. Closing the door behind her Melinda walked to the bed and sat down beside Olivia. She gently started rubbing Olivia's arm. Eventually Olivia looked up at Melinda.

'Hey.' Melinda said softly

'He didn't have to call you.' Olivia spoke with an embarrassed tone.

'He didn't.'

Olivia looked at Melinda.

'I phoned you and he picked up. He sounded lost. '

'Sorry. '

'Hey, don't be.'

'I….'

'What Liv?'

'So many things.'

'Okay, go one by one.'

'Tired. So tired on so many levels.'

'Tell me.' Melinda kept stroking her arm.

'I just wish I could sleep through the night.'

'Ok, what else?'

'The nightmares are back. Last night we were up three times and it takes awhile to get back to sleep.'

'Ok why don't we start there?'

'I can't stop them. '

'Liv, I know.' Melinda took to bottles out her handbag and put it on the nightstand.

Olivia started shaking her head.

'Olivia, hear me out. They not drugs. They herbal remedies. The one just increases your melatonin in your system. That's the hormone that makes your body feel tired at night. If you take it just before bed it might help you sleep. I'm not sure it will help but it's worth a try.'

'Maybe.'

'Olivia, we both know your nightmares get worse when you are tired so we need to get you resting properly.'

Olivia Nodded.

'This one is also herbal and I thought you could keep it. You can use it during the day. It won't make you sleepy or any other side effects that medications often have. When you feel like things are getting too much and you can't cope, it will just take the edge off.'

'I don't want to be drugged up. He kept me drugged up.'

'Liv, I promise neither of these will make you feel like that. That's why I specifically got these two for you. The day one might actually help you sort through the mist and help you think clearer. When our minds are too full we can't think.'

'I know. That's how I feel sometimes.'

'Ok, so why don't we try these just till after the trial?'

'When must I take them?' Melinda was relieved that Olivia was coming around to the idea

'Only when you feel you need them. Maybe take the evening one before bed, or if you don't want to, take one when you wake up after a nightmare. But only once a night. The day one just keep them in your bag and take if needed. They more like backup.'

'Ok.'

'Liv, are you ok with me staying the night?'

'Melinda, thanks but you don't need to. Brian is here. We'll be ok.'

'Liv, I don't mind staying. I would like to see how you sleep tonight.'

'What are you not saying?' Olivia pushed herself up in bed to a sitting position.

'Liv, don't feel bad, but Brian came straight to you after two weeks undercover. He didn't even go home. He looks a bit tired.'

'He gets up after every nightmare with me even if I try to be quiet.'

'And he doesn't mind at all, believe me. But he said you were going away for weekend so why don't we send him home so he can get a good night's sleep. I presume he's going to drive.'

'Yeah.'

'I'll stay.'

'I didn't even think of sending him home.' She put her head on the pillows and looked up at the ceiling.

'Hey, look at me. You have enough on your plate.'

'You think he'll leave?'

'I can make him.' Melinda said with a naughty grin.

Olivia laughed. 'Poor guy. Rather send him in to me.'

'Okay. I'll go make us some tea.'

Brian knocked at her door.

'Come in, Bri.' She gave him a little smile.

'Hey babe.' He came and stood near her but didn't sit.

'Sit.' She smoothed out the bed beside her.

'How are you feeling?'

'Brian, I'm sorry.' Brian tried to speak. 'No please let me finish. The nightmares and sleepless nights are getting to me and it's a vicious cycle. You are fantastic and helping me more than you know. I am just so tired and frustrated. That is why I was crying earlier. Melinda has brought me some herbal stuff and I actually think it is time to try it. I need To be able to function if I'm going to face him next week and rebuild my life.'

'Ok. Whatever you need.'

'I need something else.'

'What? '

'I want us to have a good weekend at your mom's. So here's the plan. I'm going to take a tablet and try get a better night's sleep and Melinda is going to stay with me tonight. You, my dear, are going to go home and do the same. You are going to have a full night's sleep, pack and then fetch me from work tomorrow.'

'I'm ok here, Liv.'

'Your heart is but your body needs rest. You are going to drive us tomorrow and you are going to be on duty all weekend. Go rest.'

'Yes ma'am.' He hesitated.

'It's ok Brian. You can kiss me goodnight.' Olivia smiled.


	14. Stepping Back

Hi all. I've finally finished my competitions for the year so maybe I can update this story more often and start the next! Thanks to W.S.C. Magica De Spell for the review! I like reviews ;-)

Melinda walked into her office the next morning. Olivia had slept better the previous night but she had still woken up once at three am with a nightmare. It was still an improvement. As she walked into her office she was met by a big bunch of flowers on her desk. This was an unusual occurrence and definitely aroused her interested. She couldn't remember when last she had received flowers. She reached over and took hold of the card.

'Melinda, thank you. Brian.'

Melinda sat down and smiled. It was a simple message but the gesture was meaningful. She realized again what type of guy Brian was. She felt so appreciated. Melinda knew Brian was a good guy and Olivia would be treasured as long as she was with Brian. She decided to shoot him a text.

'Thank you for the flowers. It's a pleasure. She's my friend too. Just keep on with what you are doing. You doing great.'

Melinda was starting to see how difficult all of this was on Brian too. He was truly Olivia's rock at the moment but that was not an easy task. She would have to talk to Fin and the guys to make sure Brian had enough support.

Olivia walked into the squad room dressed more causally than usual.

'Did I miss the notice? Is it casual Friday?' Fin chirped.

'No, you missed nothing. Is the Cap in?' She said as she picked up her case file from her desk.

'Yeah Liv. What's up?'

'Chat when I've spoken to Cragen.'

Olivia knocked at Cragen's door.

'Enter.'

'Morning Cap.

'Good morning. '

'Can I have a few minutes?'

'Sure. What's up? '

'Um, I need to give this case back to you, Cap. I can't give it the attention it deserves now.'

'Ok, Olivia.'

'And Cap, I don't think I'll be back until after the trial.'

Cragen nodded his head.

'Don, I can barely keep it together. I am no use here until I can give my cases the attention they deserve. The cases we get deserve our best and I can't give that at the moment.'

'Olivia, that's absolutely fine. You weren't even officially here as of last Monday.'

'I wasn't?'

'You needed something to keep your mind busy, I gave you something, but as for the guys at the top, you went on undetermined leave as of last Friday. The case I gave you has been in my desks for a few years. One I promised to close before I retire.'

'I gave you my notes. They are not much.'

'I wanted a fresh set of eyes. I will see what you gave me.'

'Undetermined leave?'

'I remembered something about Detective Benson going on holiday? Is that still on the cards?'

'Depends.'

'On what?'

'How long I can take off? I had a few months after the attack, I'm taking off now. What are the bosses going to say if I ask for more?'

'Liv, do a calculation for me. Eighteen times three.' He passed the calculator over to her.

'That's um, that's fifty-four.'

'Ok, take ten off that for the number of weeks you've probably taken off in all eighteen years. So we're at forty-four. Another say twelve for what you took after the attack. Where are we?'

'Thirty-two.' Olivia giggled. She was starting to catch on.

'If I'm correct that's about eight months leave.'

'Don't worry Cap. I was just thinking three weeks maybe a month.' She was laughing.

'Take what you need Olivia. Each day was earned. You are not slacking. You just catching up.'

'Thanks Cap.'

'Olivia, may I ask a question?'

'Sure.'

'You said you not holding it together. Can you break it down for Don?'

He asked in a way that Olivia knew that Captain Cragen was no longer in the room.

After half an hour Olivia had finished her story. She even had what Melinda gave her last night out of her bag. Don was moved that Olivia had poured her heart out to him. He would treasure times like this with his 'daughter' for a long time to come.

'Liv, you are strong. This journey is very difficult but you are doing so well. Go take your time, heal, and get stronger. Let your friends carry you if you need them to. And remember, I'm just a phone call away. I can come over anytime. And Olivia, those' Cragen pointed to the bottle of pills, 'they temporary. If you need them don't feel bad.'

Both of them stood up. Cragen moved to give Olivia a hug and she allowed him.

'Olivia Benson go. Get out of here for a few weeks. I'll see you in court next week.'

'Take it easy today in court.'

'Not a chance.' Don smiled at Olivia. 'He messed with _my_ girl.'

Olivia Walked out the office and went to sit beside Fin's desk. Thankfully they were alone. Fin sat back in his chair.

'You think you can handle being the sole voice of reason here for a few weeks?'

Fin looked at her.

'Fin, this is not the best place for me right now. I can't focus and you and I both know these victims need our best when we are here.'

'How long?' Fin was serious and worried. Olivia Benson was voluntarily stepping back.

She looked down at her lap.

'After the case I'm going away for a bit.'

'Ok.'

'Fin, weeks not months.'

'Can I call you?'

'Of course! I'm taking a break from work, not my friends. I need them more than ever.'

'Brian going with you?'

'That's the plan if he can get off work.'

'Then I don't mind putting up with this lot. Promise me one thing?'

'Ok?'

'Take care of yourself and rest.'

'I will. Melinda is helping me there too.'

'Anything I can do?'

'Actually yes. Take Brian for a boy's night sometime next week.'

'Next week? You sure?'

'Let me know. Melinda or Casey or Alex can come over.'

'Sure thing. I'll talk to the guys and let you know.'

'Thanks Fin. I better go find Nick and read him the riot act.' Olivia smiled.


	15. Close Call

Olivia walked through the door of her apartment with a few bags in her hand. She put the bags down on the counter and then her heart stopped. There was a noise coming from her room. 'No. It can't be happening not again.' She drew her weapon, cocked it as quietly as possible and with one step she flew around the corner.

'Liv! Whoa! It's me Brian. Olivia look at me.' He held up his hands in surrender as he spoke the gun was still pointed at him. She was breathing heavily. Sweat was starting to form on her brow.

'Brian.' She said breathlessly.

'Yes, it's me. You safe. It's ok.' He kept talking to her as he approached the aimed weapon she was holding out in front of her body. When he reached her he undid her fingers around her gun while he spoke. 'SSshh. It's ok.'

'I heard a noise. I thought. . . .'

'I know.'

Once the gun was secured he took her into his arms. Both of their hearts beating fast.

'I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.' Olivia kept repeating over and over.

Then all of a sudden Olivia's leg gave way and had she not being in Brian's arm she would have fallen. Brian gently lowered both of them to the floor and he continued to hold her as she cried.

After a few minutes Olivia peeled herself away from him and sat with her back leaning against the wall.

'I think you should go.' Olivia said out of the blue.

'Go?'

'Yeah.'

'Olivia, what do you mean 'I should go'?' Brian was very confused.

'I need you to leave my apartment.' She got up and put some distance between them.

'Olivia, I am very sorry I gave you a fright. I thought you would be at work. I went to work but they had messed up the shifts. The other day I saw one of your taps were leaking so I thought I would come and fix it for you.'

'I'm not asking you to leave because you were here. I just think you should get out of here.'

'Liv, please just think about this. I'm okay. I understand why that just happened.'

'I just can't do this anymore.'

'Do what?'

'GO Brian! Get out of here before I ruin the both of us!'

'Olivia, please talk to me.'

'I am talking but you are not listening. Leave!' They were now shouting.

'No Olivia. I said I would not leave and I'm not going to.' He tried to approach her but she immediately backed away.

'Brian, you are not running away. I am giving you a way out. I'm asking you to go. No, I'm telling you to leave.'

'What if I don't want to leave?'

'It's _my_ apartment. Get out.'

Brian walked towards her handbag and took the tables that Melinda had given her and filled a glass of water.

'I'll go if you take a tablet.'

'Brian just leave. Please.' Olivia Almost whispered.

'After you take the tablet.' He backed away from the glass so that she could have a clear route to the counter.

Olivia sighed and moved towards the counter. After she took the tablet, she hung her head.

'Olivia, where's your backup weapon?' He already had the one she had pointed at him.

'I wouldn't.'

'Where?'

'Under my mattress.'

Brian went to her room. Once he retrieved her weapon, he picked up his jacket and keys.

'I'll lock behind me.'

'Are you going to leave me something to defend myself with?'

'Not now.' He replied and then he closed the door behind him.

After Brian left Olivia just stood beside the counter. She didn't know what to do. She went to sit down on the couch.

 _She had nearly shot her own boyfriend in her new apartment. Where was this going to end? Would she be able to make it through this darkness? Would this swallow her? Had she just lost her boyfriend, her stability? Brian had removed her firearms from her. Did he think she would harm herself? Then all of a sudden she spent the next few minutes thinking how she could end it all. She could convince him she was fine and get him to bring them back and then use them. She couldn't do it here. She didn't want Brian to find the mess. If she used medication there wouldn't be a mess. She could do it somewhere else then Brian with not find her first._

'Olivia Benson! What the hell are you doing?!' She said out loud. She got up and started pacing. 'You do that Lewis wins.'

She ran to her phone and starred at her shaking hands. Who could she call? She needed someone now! She thought of Brian, Don, Fin, Casey and Alex. She dialled.

'Melinda hello.'

'Mel.' She let out a sob.

'Liv?'

'I need someone here _now_.'

'Where are you?'

'Home.' Melinda knew if Olivia was threatened she would phone one of the guys.

'Ok. I'm on my way.'

'Mel.'

'Yeah.'

'Please don't put the phone down.'

'Never. Just stay on the line.'

'Ok. Mel, I'm so sorry.'

'Olivia, don't apologize. You reached out, that is good. You're doing good.'

'If I was doing good you wouldn't be running to my place every day.'

'Liv, I really don't mind. You saved my life once. I'm just evening the score.'

Melinda and Olivia kept speaking until Melinda knocked at Olivia's door.

Olivia opened the door for Melinda still holding the phone in her hand. As soon as the door was open, Olivia stepped away from the door making it clear to Melinda that she wasn't open to a hug.

'Olivia, I'm here. You can put the phone down.'

Olivia suddenly looked down at her hands and saw she was still holding the phone.

'Yeah.' She said softly. She put the phone down but kept pacing.

'Liv, talk to me please.'

'I. . . I'm losing it and I can't stop myself. I don't know how to stop it.'

'Olivia, I hear you. What happened?'

'I almost killed him.'

'Who?'

'I can't believe I almost killed him. How can I stop this?' She kept pacing.

'Olivia, low down. Who did you almost kill?'

Olivia stopped pacing and turned to her friend for the first time since she arrived.

'I almost shot Brian!' She collapsed onto the couch in tears.

Melinda tried to comfort Olivia but she pulled away.

'Be careful Melinda. First I attack Alex and now I almost shoot Brian! '

Melinda sighed.

'Liv, tell me what happened.'

'I. . . I came in from the shops and I put the groceries on the counter.' Olivia Pointed to the packets still on the counter. 'I heard a noise in the bedroom.' Melinda dropped her head because she knew what was coming. 'I thought it was happening again . I took my gun and when I stepped out from behind the wall. . . Mel he just came to fix a tape in my bathroom!' She broke down again.

Melinda didn't know what to say to elevate Olivia's pain. There was nothing that would give her peace of mind.

'I don't know what to do Mel. I can't go on like this.'

'where's Brian?'

'I asked him to leave.'

'why?'

'Why! Didn't you hear what I just said. He's better off without me.' Olivia tried unsuccessfully to keep a sob in.

'Oh Liv. You don't mean that.'

'I love him. More than anyone in my life! I can't hurt him!'

'Melinda I need you to phone Dr Carter. I need to see her. I really need an appointment today. Please Mel.' Olivia was begging.

'Olivia, where's your phone?'

'I. . . I.' Olivia Was looking around.

'Don't worry. Got it.'

Melinda looked through Olivia's phonebook and found the number. She walked into the kitchen so that she could speak without Olivia overhearing.

After a few minutes she returned with the bottle of tablets in her hand. Before Melinda could speak Olivia spoke.

'I have already had one. Brian wouldn't leave until I took one.'

'Okay, I wasn't sure. Dr Carter can see you in two hours.'

Olivia nodded.

'I'm going to stay with you and then drive you. Is that ok?'

'I'm sorry.'

'Liv, please stop apologizing.'

'I am trying.'

'Hey, I can see that. We are going to get you through this. Ok?'

'I feel like I'm drowning.'

'I know.'

Melinda picked up the remote and chose a movie. Although Olivia started to watch it, it wasn't long before exhaustion set in and Olivia fell asleep.

While Olivia slept Melinda phoned Brian from the kitchen.

'Hey Brian.'

'Melinda, are you with her?'

'Yes.'

'Thank goodness.' She could hear his relief. 'I didn't want to leave her but she wouldn't let me stay.'

'Brian, she was terrified of herself.'

'Where is she now?'

'I put a movie on but she was asleep in minutes. She asked me to take her to Dr Carter. We have an appointment in an hour and a half.'

Brian told her of their weekend plans and together they came up with a plan.


	16. Friends

Chapter seventeen

Olivia got up after two hours with Dr Carter. She felt absolutely exhausted but was glad she came. Dr Carter helped her see that although she was having a difficult time at the moment, in reality she was doing well.

'Okay Olivia, I'll see you on Monday when you finish in court.' Although she was doing relatively well, Olivia and Dr Carter decided that Olivia would come in three times next week just to see her through the rest of the trial.

'Thanks Dr.'

'And remember to take the tablets. They also will help you through the next few days.'

'I will.' Olivia opened the door and froze. She was expecting to see Melinda but not the person next to her.

'Hey babe.'

'Brian.'

'Yeah. I hope its ok that I'm here.' Brian was nervous.

'I didn't think I would see you today again.'

'My mother is still expecting us.'

Olivia looked at him. She was shocked. She sat down on the nearest chair. Dr Carter was still standing near Olivia for support. She knelt down in front of Olivia.

'Olivia, what do you want to do?'

'I can take you home if you would prefer.' Melinda offered.

'Brian, why?' Olivia Spoke.

'Why what, Liv?' He stepped forward.

'After everything. Why are you still here?'

Dr Carter stepped back to allow Brian to get closer. Brian took Dr Carter's spot and knelt down.

'Liv, I know you haven't had a lot of experience with people who you love sticking by you but Olivia Benson I love you and I was to spend the rest of my days with you. I know it's dark at the moment but I can assure you that it will get better. We are all here to help you.'

'The beginning of that sounded like a marriage proposal.' Olivia Giggled.

'That's true.' Brian laughed. 'Maybe someday soon it will be.'

'After what I did today I thought there was a chance I would not see you again.'

'Not a chance. Liv, I want to tell you something and I want you to let me say it.'

'Okay.'

'Today was partly my fault.'

'No. . . . '

'Hey, I said let me finish. '

'Sorry.'

'I went to my apartment earlier and put myself in your shoes. Liv, no reasonable person, after what happened to you, would react any differently. I was out of line. You are under immense stress with the trial. Your nightmares are playing up. You had every right to defend yourself when you heard a noise in the apartment. Even if we are sharing your apartment right now, I think I should let you know when I'm coming by. You need to feel safe in your place and I'm so sorry I made you feel unsafe. '

'Brian, I am truly sorry I gave you a fright.'

'I know, Babe.'

'What now?'

'Are you willing to join me at my mom's?'

Olivia stayed silent.

'Olivia, what are you thinking?' Dr Carter asked.

'I want to but I just feel so out of control right now.' Olivia spoke with her head down and her arms on her knees.

'Olivia, if I may add something here. I think getting out of your environment and being with other people may be what you need right now.'

'Babe, my mother knows you are having trouble right now. It will just be the three of us and we will just relax this weekend.'

'I'll need to go back to my place. I never packed.'

'I've got you covered, sister.' Melinda smiled.

'Really?'

'So are we getting out of here?' Brian joked.

'It seems like it, Mr. Cassidy.'

'Well, Ms. Benson. Let's be off.'

Olivia Stood up and thanked Dr Carter before hugging Melinda. Brian put his hand in hers and took the bag from Melinda.

Olivia Turned around.

'Melinda, the tablets?'

'Both in the side pocket.'

'Thanks Mel.'

'Enjoy the weekend, Liv.'

Brian opened the car door for Olivia and she slipped into the passenger seat. Brian jogged to the other side and got in.

'Liv, it will take about two hours with traffic to get to mom's. Why don't you put your seat back and get some rest.'

'But don't you. . . '

'Liv, I am good. The main aim of this weekend is for you to get some good rest. Just lay back even if don't sleep.'

Olivia obeyed. Quite soon the motion of the vehicle rocked Olivia to sleep.


	17. Scars

Brian parked the car in his mother's driveway and looked at Olivia. She had been sleeping so peacefully for about two hours. He knew that peaceful sleep was a rare occurrence right now for Olivia. He didn't quite want to interrupt it. For a few minutes he just sat there. Then his mother opened the front door. She had obviously seen them arrive and was confused as to why they weren't coming inside. He put his finger to his lips to show his mother that they were to be quiet. She nodded. Brian quietly got out the vehicle and went to greet his mother.

'Hi mom. '

'Brian, so good to see you. '

'Thanks for having us.

'Always great to see the both of you.'

'She's been asleep the whole way. It's not been a good day. We almost never came.'

'Well, you here now and why don't we let her wake up by herself.'

Sandy saw her son's hesitation.

'Brian, we'll lock the gate and sit here on the porch. You'll be able to watch her the whole time and she'll be able to see us as soon as she wakes up.'

'Okay. There's something I want to tell you before she wakes up anyways.

Brian and his mother sat on the porch chatting. His mother had a cup of tea and he was drinking a beer. Brian had told his mother about the incident earlier.

'Mom, I know you might be shocked but this isn't Olivia. She's kind, loving, strong, dedicated. She's not. . . '

'Brian stop. This isn't the first time I'm meeting Olivia. Or have you forgotten?' Sandy put her hand on Brian's arm. 'I know her. She's in a tough spot right now. There's no judgment here. If anything I want to see if I can help.'

'Mom she really didn't mean it.'

'Son, I know. Relax. I am glad you told me but won't say a word if she doesn't.'

The two sat talking for a few more minutes before they saw Olivia stir.

Olivia opened her eyes and for a few seconds she was confused. She was even more confused when she saw that Brian wasn't beside her in the vehicle. Her heart began to beat faster until her eyes caught two people sitting on the porch in front of her. Brian waved at her and got up to come and meet her. He opened her side of the vehicle for her.

'Good evening Liv.'

'Why didn't you wake me?'

'Because I think that must have been one of your better afternoon rests in a while and I was definitely not going to interrupt a good thing.'

'But your mom. . . '

'Liv, it was her idea to leave you until you woke up.'

'Embarrassing.' She mumbled as she helped Brian unload their things out the car.

'Mrs. Cassidy. I am so sorry about that.' Olivia Said as she walked up the path to greet Brian's mother.'

'Firstly, there is nothing to be sorry about and secondly only the kids at school call me that.' Sandy said as she hugged Olivia.

Olivia smiled.

'Ok, you two. Inside we go. Olivia, Brian requested that I set up two rooms so you are in the guest room and Brian, well, he knows where his old room is.' Sandy laughed.

'Thanks so much Sandy.'

'My pleasure. You settle in. I'll be in the kitchen starting dinner.'

'Looks like that is your favourite spot in any kitchen.' Olivia joked as she walked into the kitchen.

'You mean he sits on your kitchen counter as well? '

'Unless he cooks. All the time.'

'Shame on you Brian.'

'Hey don't gang up on me.'

'Aaah. Need some comfort?' Olivia Walked closer to Brian.

The three of them had a wonderful relaxing evening. Brian finished helping his mom clean kitchen after dinner.

'Mind if I join you?'

'Not at all.'

'Great. What you watching?'

'Just some old series.'

'Oh my word, Pacific Blue. I used to want to become a bike cop. '

'You? Really?'

'Yeah, it cool. Riding around on a bike all and catching crooks. What a life.'

'You are funny.'

' _No, please stop. Thinking about what you are doing. I'm a cop. My team will find you and then they will make your life hell.'_

' _They have to find us first and by then no one will want you.' He laughed._

' _No stop!' She could feel the cigarette burning into her flesh._

Olivia woke up and sat up immediately. Her hand flew to her chest. She was breathing heavily. She sat there hoping that she hadn't screamed out loud so that she hadn't woken anyone else up. She swung her legs over the bed and put her feet on the floor. She sat like that for a few minutes trying to steady her breathing. Tears started to form at the back of her eyes when she thought of the marks on her chest that would never fade. She quietly went to the bathroom. She pulled down her top and looked at herself in the mirror.

' _What if Lewis was right? What if Brian couldn't live with her scars? What if they were repulsive to him? What if he could never make love to her? Was that why he wanted to wait because he was disgusted with the marks?'_

'Whatever you thinking, stop it.' A soft voice came from the semi closed door. Before she turned around she covered herself up.

'Sorry I didn't want to wake anyone.'

'It's okay. I needed the bathroom.'

'Ok. I am done.'

'Cool.'

'Brian can you stop by my room when you done.'

'Sure.'

A few minutes later Brian gently knocked at her door.

'Babe?'

'Come in.' She patted the bed beside her.

'You ok?'

'Kinda. '

'Nightmare? '

'Yeah.'

He waited for her to initiate the conversation.

'Bri, you talking about the rest of our lives.'

'Yeah. '

'There's something I need to show you.' She turned around and pulled her shirt down just enough to reveal some of the marks without revealing too much of herself.

'There's fifteen. Doctors said they will never go away.' 

Brian remained quiet.

'Olivia, why are you showing me this now?'

Olivia Immediately tensed up. _He hates them. I was right!_

'I want you to know what you are getting.' She looked down at her lap. She felt the bed move. _Oh no! He's leaving. I knew it._ Tears were threatening again.

'Liv, look at me.' _What he's here?_ She looked up to see him fully turned towards her.

He took her hand and put it on his chest.

'This is where I was shot.' He guided her hand over the scar. 'This is where I had stitches after falling off my bike when I was nine. And here, well, let's say it was a rough boy's night out. '

'Not the same.'

'Yes it is. We all have scars. Liv, give me time and I will name all fifteen of yours like I did mine.'

'You want to name these awful things? '

'I do. I can think of a few now but not all.'

Olivia raised her one eyebrow.

'Strength, courage, determination, feisty, um. Okay its two am. I need to be awake for this.'

Olivia Had tears slowly making their way down her cheek.

'Hey, what did I say wrong? '

'Nothing Bri. Nothing. I just thought you wouldn't want me if you saw. . . '

'Oh Liv. I want you, even with your scars.'

'No one has ever wanted me for all I am.'

'I know but I do.'

Silence spoke loudly between the two.

'Liv, do you want to take a tablet to help you sleep?'

'After this conversation I don't think I need one.'

Brian smiled and kissed Olivia on her lips.

'Sleep well Liv.' He said as he helped Olivia settle down.


	18. A Diamond

Chapter 19

It was ten o'clock the next morning before anyone saw Olivia again.

'Good afternoon Miss Benson. 'Brian joked as she walked into the lounge full of sunlight where Brian and his mother were sitting and chatting.

'Funny, Bri. I can't remember when last I slept so late.'

'I take it the rest of the sleep was a good one?' Brian asked as he stood to greet her and then went to put the kettle on.'

'Yeah it was.' Olivia smiled.

'Well then, I'll give you forty-five minutes to wake up, have coffee and get dressed but then you need to be ready to go.' Brian instructed.

'Go? 'Olivia looked from Brian to his mother.

'Don't look at me. I have no idea what my son has planned.' Sandy laughed.

'Ok.' Olivia decided to play along. 'What must I wear?'

'Something comfortable and relaxing. Preferably layers we can strip of if we need to.' Brian replied as he handed her a cup of coffee.

'Is that so Mr Cassidy?'

'Trust me Liv?' Brian asked as her stood right in front of her.

'You? Absolutely.' As she sealed the deal with a kiss.

It was mid-afternoon as Brian parked the car in front of the beach. They had spent the morning strolling down the streets of the town and just window shopping.

'Get out.'

'But Brian, I never brought towels or anything.'

Brian appeared from behind the boot of the car with a basket and a bag.

'You didn't but I did.'

'And the basket?'

'Well, I had some time on my hands this morning so we have a bit of a picnic basket, magazines, a blanket and some other fun stuff in here.'

'Fun stuff?'

'You know if you don't stop with the questions we won't get to use them before the sun sets.'

'Alright, can I help you with the bag there?'

'Yeah ok. Then I have space for this.' As he said that he slipped his hand into hers.

The two had been relaxing on the beach for about an hour when Brian took the deepest breath he had taken for days.

'Liv, I know you are going through a hard time with the trial and all. What you went through with him no one should have to endure. You were so strong to get through that and I don't know how but you were strong enough to let me go undercover when you knew you would have to face him again.'

'I wanted to tell you so bad Bri. My heart was screaming at me to open my mouth to tell you how much I needed you to stay. . . '

'I've heard that diamonds are formed below the earth's surface where there is great heat and pressure. Your whole life has been hard Olivia but through it all the most beautiful woman has been formed, both inside and out. Because of people letting you down you have learnt you can only rely on yourself and babe I want to change that because you are my diamond.'

'O Bri.'

'Liv, what I am trying to say is, I want us to go at life together, a team. Olivia Benson, here is your own diamond remind you of your beauty and strength. Will you marry me?'

'Brian.'

'I know you feel like this is not the time. That there is too much going on, that you still need to heal. But babe I want to do that all with you. I want you to know I won't go anywhere. That I am yours no matter what is said next week. We don't have to do it now. Just see it as a promise. That when you are ready you just need to give me a sign.'

Olivia was quiet for a few minutes as she looked over the ocean.

'What if that holiday we are planning is something more than just another holiday?'

'I don't understand.'

'I don't have family. Only the team at the 1-6, Casey, Alex and Melinda. Your family is all around here. What if after the trial we hire two houses or something and come here, on this beach and do it?'

'Liv, are you saying yes?'

'Brian, I feel at home and complete when you are around. I'm not saying that after the verdict is read things will be back to normal or that I don't have a long way still to go. I feel like the trial is setting my recovery back a few months. But Brian at the end of a crappy day I want to come home, not to a place but you. Maybe this _is_ the perfect time not to try and return to normal but make a new normal. Yes, Brian Cassidy I want to marry you!'

'Really? I can wait.'

'Brian, you've been waiting for what eight months now? The next few weeks are going to be hard. I might be a mess but you know what? If the light at the end of the tunnel is standing on this beach saying yes to a life with you, then I can get through it. You know how I know that?'

'Because you know that you won't be alone in that tunnel?'

'Yes, Brian. YES!'

'Babe, as much as I like sitting here alone with you watching the sun set, there's a man in New York looking at his phone every minute hoping to get a certain phone call.'

'You spoke to him?' She asked with a lump in her throat.

'He's not blood and yes he wasn't there for the first twenty years of your life but Liv we both know he's every bit a father to you as mine was to me.'

'He is.'

'Then here. Go tell him he can stop checking his phone.'

'Brian, thank you. And not for the phone.'

'Liv, I said we might have started a bit late but we going to do this right. Me talking to Cragen, just another part of it.'

'Oh Liv, after you phoned your father, I think you should phone your brother Fin. I might have given him a call earlier today just to check if I would survive if I proposed.' Brian said over his shoulder as he walked away to give her some time alone.

Olivia just laughed.

'Liv, are you sure about this? I feel like I should be taking you out for some romantic dinner or something after you just agreed to marry me. Not some dinner with the in-laws.'

'Brian, a proposal in some fancy restaurant might work for some women but you are forgetting two things.'

'What?'

'I had you all to myself the whole day and I never had a real family so maybe you can give me that too as part of the deal. That's if your family will accept me.'

Although Brian knew Olivia sometimes she would catch him off guard with a comment like this. But he was also grateful for these times when she was honest as it meant she was letting him in beyond the walls she had built for herself.

'Babe, my mother is already a fan. My sisters and their families just haven't met you yet. Just you wait.'

'What time are they coming?'

'Susan and Jeff are coming round eight. So we have time to shower and get changed before they arrive.'

'Bri, your mom, does she know about today?'

'I needed some help choosing a ring, so yeah mom is in on it.'

'Just how long have you had it?' Olivia asked as she played with it on her finger.

'About a month or so?'

'Really?'

'Liv, this isn't a spur of the moment deal. I was just waiting for the right time.'

'And you thought the day after I almost shot you is the right time? Want to marry me before it's too late?'

Brian pulled the car off onto the shoulder of the road.

'And now?' Olivia was confused.

'Look at me.' Brian said as he turned slightly to face her. 'We have enough battles to fight at the moment. You beating yourself up about what happened is not one of them. I take some of the blame for that. I should have told you I was coming over.'

'I'm just really sorry Bri. I would never do. . . '

'Liv, I know. Okay. I understand. We just take it a step at a time.'

'Okay.'

'By the way, I need to know. I mean legally I need to know, where are my guns?'

'Liv, they are back where you keep them. I know I kept them. I put them back before I met you at the doctor's. And in case you are worried, I have mine with us.'

'You do?'

'Just protecting a very precious diamond.'

Olivia smiled.

'Let's get home before your sister does.'

'Good idea. If we get home after them I'll never heard the end of it.'

'Mom, we home.'

Sandy came walking towards them as soon as she heard them arrive.

'She said yes, Ma. I'm getting married!'

'Oh son!' Sandy embraced her only son.

'You did well!'

'Yeah?' Olivia was seeing a different side of Brian as she watched mother and son interact.

'Very good son. Now get over here, Olivia.' Sandy smiled at Olivia. As soon as Olivia was in reach, Sandy embraced Olivia.

'Now I'm getting a new daughter!'

Olivia didn't know how to respond except to return the embrace.

'Ma, we just going to get showered then we'll come back out.'

'Ok. Off you go.'


	19. Family Plans

Chapter 19

It was ten o'clock the next morning before anyone saw Olivia again.

'Good afternoon Miss Benson. 'Brian joked as she walked into the lounge full of sunlight where Brian and his mother were sitting and chatting.

'Funny, Bri. I can't remember when last I slept so late.'

'I take it the rest of the sleep was a good one?' Brian asked as he stood to greet her and then went to put the kettle on.'

'Yeah it was.' Olivia smiled.

'Well then, I'll give you forty-five minutes to wake up, have coffee and get dressed but then you need to be ready to go.' Brian instructed.

'Go? 'Olivia looked from Brian to his mother.

'Don't look at me. I have no idea what my son has planned.' Sandy laughed.

'Ok.' Olivia decided to play along. 'What must I wear?'

'Something comfortable and relaxing. Preferably layers we can strip of if we need to.' Brian replied as he handed her a cup of coffee.

'Is that so Mr Cassidy?'

'Trust me Liv?' Brian asked as her stood right in front of her.

'You? Absolutely.' As she sealed the deal with a kiss.

It was mid-afternoon as Brian parked the car in front of the beach. They had spent the morning strolling down the streets of the town and just window shopping.

'Get out.'

'But Brian, I never brought towels or anything.'

Brian appeared from behind the boot of the car with a basket and a bag.

'You didn't but I did.'

'And the basket?'

'Well, I had some time on my hands this morning so we have a bit of a picnic basket, magazines, a blanket and some other fun stuff in here.'

'Fun stuff?'

'You know if you don't stop with the questions we won't get to use them before the sun sets.'

'Alright, can I help you with the bag there?'

'Yeah ok. Then I have space for this.' As he said that he slipped his hand into hers.

The two had been relaxing on the beach for about an hour when Brian took the deepest breath he had taken for days.

'Liv, I know you are going through a hard time with the trial and all. What you went through with him no one should have to endure. You were so strong to get through that and I don't know how but you were strong enough to let me go undercover when you knew you would have to face him again.'

'I wanted to tell you so bad Bri. My heart was screaming at me to open my mouth to tell you how much I needed you to stay. . . '

'I've heard that diamonds are formed below the earth's surface where there is great heat and pressure. Your whole life has been hard Olivia but through it all the most beautiful woman has been formed, both inside and out. Because of people letting you down you have learnt you can only rely on yourself and babe I want to change that because you are my diamond.'

'O Bri.'

'Liv, what I am trying to say is, I want us to go at life together, a team. Olivia Benson, here is your own diamond remind you of your beauty and strength. Will you marry me?'

'Brian.'

'I know you feel like this is not the time. That there is too much going on, that you still need to heal. But babe I want to do that all with you. I want you to know I won't go anywhere. That I am yours no matter what is said next week. We don't have to do it now. Just see it as a promise. That when you are ready you just need to give me a sign.'

Olivia was quiet for a few minutes as she looked over the ocean.

'What if that holiday we are planning is something more than just another holiday?'

'I don't understand.'

'I don't have family. Only the team at the 1-6, Casey, Alex and Melinda. Your family is all around here. What if after the trial we hire two houses or something and come here, on this beach and do it?'

'Liv, are you saying yes?'

'Brian, I feel at home and complete when you are around. I'm not saying that after the verdict is read things will be back to normal or that I don't have a long way still to go. I feel like the trial is setting my recovery back a few months. But Brian at the end of a crappy day I want to come home, not to a place but you. Maybe this _is_ the perfect time not to try and return to normal but make a new normal. Yes, Brian Cassidy I want to marry you!'

'Really? I can wait.'

'Brian, you've been waiting for what eight months now? The next few weeks are going to be hard. I might be a mess but you know what? If the light at the end of the tunnel is standing on this beach saying yes to a life with you, then I can get through it. You know how I know that?'

'Because you know that you won't be alone in that tunnel?'

'Yes, Brian. YES!'

'Babe, as much as I like sitting here alone with you watching the sun set, there's a man in New York looking at his phone every minute hoping to get a certain phone call.'

'You spoke to him?' She asked with a lump in her throat.

'He's not blood and yes he wasn't there for the first twenty years of your life but Liv we both know he's every bit a father to you as mine was to me.'

'He is.'

'Then here. Go tell him he can stop checking his phone.'

'Brian, thank you. And not for the phone.'

'Liv, I said we might have started a bit late but we going to do this right. Me talking to Cragen, just another part of it.'

'Oh Liv, after you phoned your father, I think you should phone your brother Fin. I might have given him a call earlier today just to check if I would survive if I proposed.' Brian said over his shoulder as he walked away to give her some time alone.

Olivia just laughed.

'Liv, are you sure about this? I feel like I should be taking you out for some romantic dinner or something after you just agreed to marry me. Not some dinner with the in-laws.'

'Brian, a proposal in some fancy restaurant might work for some women but you are forgetting two things.'

'What?'

'I had you all to myself the whole day and I never had a real family so maybe you can give me that too as part of the deal. That's if your family will accept me.'

Although Brian knew Olivia sometimes she would catch him off guard with a comment like this. But he was also grateful for these times when she was honest as it meant she was letting him in beyond the walls she had built for herself.

'Babe, my mother is already a fan. My sisters and their families just haven't met you yet. Just you wait.'

'What time are they coming?'

'Susan and Jeff are coming round eight. So we have time to shower and get changed before they arrive.'

'Bri, your mom, does she know about today?'

'I needed some help choosing a ring, so yeah mom is in on it.'

'Just how long have you had it?' Olivia asked as she played with it on her finger.

'About a month or so?'

'Really?'

'Liv, this isn't a spur of the moment deal. I was just waiting for the right time.'

'And you thought the day after I almost shot you is the right time? Want to marry me before it's too late?'

Brian pulled the car off onto the shoulder of the road.

'And now?' Olivia was confused.

'Look at me.' Brian said as he turned slightly to face her. 'We have enough battles to fight at the moment. You beating yourself up about what happened is not one of them. I take some of the blame for that. I should have told you I was coming over.'

'I'm just really sorry Bri. I would never do. . . '

'Liv, I know. Okay. I understand. We just take it a step at a time.'

'Okay.'

'By the way, I need to know. I mean legally I need to know, where are my guns?'

'Liv, they are back where you keep them. I know I kept them. I put them back before I met you at the doctor's. And in case you are worried, I have mine with us.'

'You do?'

'Just protecting a very precious diamond.'

Olivia smiled.

'Let's get home before your sister does.'

'Good idea. If we get home after them I'll never heard the end of it.'

'Mom, we home.'

Sandy came walking towards them as soon as she heard them arrive.

'She said yes, Ma. I'm getting married!'

'Oh son!' Sandy embraced her only son.

'You did well!'

'Yeah?' Olivia was seeing a different side of Brian as she watched mother and son interact.

'Very good son. Now get over here, Olivia.' Sandy smiled at Olivia. As soon as Olivia was in reach, Sandy embraced Olivia.

'Now I'm getting a new daughter!'

Olivia didn't know how to respond except to return the embrace.

'Ma, we just going to get showered then we'll come back out.'

'Ok. Off you go.'


	20. He's Washing the Car

Chapter 21

Olivia woke up struggling to catch her breath. She switched her lamp on and sat there in the quiet. Eventually she lay back and just allowed the tears to take over.

'Morning Olivia.'

'Hi Susan.' Olivia brushed past Susan as she walked towards the sliding door. 'Um, tell you brother when he gets up I've gone for a walk on the beach.

'Yeah ok. You ok?' Feeling like something was wrong. This wasn't the same person she met last night.

'I'll be back in about an hour.'

'Ok.'

'Morning sis. Any coffee brewing?'

'Yes Brian. I know you and your morning coffee.'

'Whatever.'

'Bri, did you speak to Olivia after we all went to bed?'

'No why?'

'She came through earlier and said she was going for a walk. But Bri something was off.'

'Off. How?'

'I don't know. She just wasn't the Olivia I met last night.'

'Like there's a dark cloud over her head?'

'Yes.'

'Morning kids.'

'Crap!'

'Now what did I do?'

'Not you Ma. Morning.' Brian took a big swig of coffee and then threw the rest down the drain.

'Brian, talk to me?'

'I want to go find her. I need to find her.' Walking towards his room.

'Brian?'

'She gets nightmares Sis. Sometimes very bad ones. I sometimes hear her but obviously I didn't hear her last night.' He said as he threw clothes on and started towards the door. 'They terrify her. She's the strongest, bravest person I know, but these nightmares. . . They rip her apart.'

'I'm sorry. I knew something was off. I should called you.'

'It's ok. I just want to go make sure she's okay.'

'Yeah sure. Go.'

'Sis, I have my phone with me if she. . . '

'I'll call if she comes back.'

And with that Brian broke into a jog.

Susan sat down with her mom and explained the morning to her. They both realized just how much Brian had grown during this ordeal.

She looked so calm as she sat there staring out towards the horizon but Brian knew looks could be deceiving. He changed his course so he could move in towards her where she could see him approaching.

'Morning beautiful.'

'Hey there handsome.'

'May I take a seat?'

'You may.'

'You ok?'

'Yeah. Just needed some fresh air.'

'How bad?'

'What?'

'Nightmare.'

'How?'

'Susan said you didn't look to good this morning.'

'I'm ok.'

'Look at me.'

She turned and looked him in the eyes for the first time since he arrived.

'Your eyes say different.'

'What? You can read my eyes now?'

'Yes I can. Just like you can read mine. Now talk.'

'We don't always have to do this. Sometimes I can cope on my own.'

'And sometimes you don't have to.'

'I hate that you always have to pick up the pieces. I don't want to start a marriage like that.'

'Liv, isn't that part of marriage? Being strong for each other at different times.'

After a few moments of silence Olivia spoke again.

'I dreamt of our wedding this morning sometime.'

'And that was bad?'

'It is when I was standing at the altar with him and not you.'

'You know that's not going to happen. Your mind is just on overdrive with the trial.'

'I know when I'm awake, but try tell me that when I'm asleep.'

'Hey, come here.' He slid right next to her and wrapped his arms around her. 'Just please don't stop sharing with me. I won't run but once we stop sharing then we won't be a team. I can handle your nightmares, your anger, frustration, sadness, but not your silence.'

'Okay.'

'Babe, this period will pass. It may not feel like it now but it will. Did you take a tablet?'

'Yeah, I had to.'

'And that's fine for now.'

'I'm hungry.'

'You know what? Me too and I bet mom and Susan are making a big breakfast so we'll be full all the way home.'

'Last one home washes the car. . .'

'Hey! No fair. I'm not even standing yet.'

Sandy and Susan heard the heavy footsteps and looked up. Next minute they heard the unmistakable but breathless laugh of Olivia before a thud as she collapsed on the porch. Both women walked out to the porch to see if she was ok.

'Olivia?' Susan asked as she rounded the corner and Olivia came into view.

'Hi. . . Susan. . . 'Came the breathless reply. 'Looks like your brother is washing the car when we get home.'

'Oh is he now?' Sandy and Susan both laughed.

'Was. . . Unfair. . . She. . . Was already standing.' Came a reply from a body lying on the bottom step.

'Can't keep up with your woman there dear brother?'

'Hey! Whose side are you on dearest sister?'

'Olivia, just make sure he keeps up his end of the deal.' Came Brian's sister's reply.

'Sandy, thanks so much for the weekend.' Olivia gave her a hug as they stood in the driveway.

'Only a pleasure. Really. And don't worry about a thing. Susan and I will meet you on Thursday for lunch and we will start planning the wedding.'

'I look forward to it. Brian is staying with me during the trial so his place is all yours.'

'Bye mom. See you Thursday.' Brian greeted his mother before climbing in the driver's side.

'Bye Susan.'

'Bye Olivia. See you in a few days.'

'Brian, don't forget to clean the inside of the car as well.' Susan said as she headed to her car.

'Love you to Sis!'


End file.
